Sunday, December 28, 2008

Plabnox Holiday Wallpapers

he Plabnox doctors are pleased to introduce their new line of holiday-themed computer desktop wallpapers.


Saturday, December 27, 2008

Plabnox Presents: Exquisite Corpse Journalism

This holiday season, retailers have noticed a dramatic upturn in customers who do their “Christmas shopping” after the actual holiday. Analysts suggest this type of customer is bad for business, as he or she strikes during the lunch hour in an attempt to distract the salesperson from his or her meal. While creating a distraction by feigning interest in merchandise, the repast customer has a sidekick steal the food vittles. As soon as the transaction is closed, consumers rush home to distribute their purchases. For some, to be generous in today’s economy means pushing Christmas back one or even two full days. Of course, the nation’s children would rather be employed than acquire food via the repast customer’s method. However, with a failing economy, they may not have a choice. More and more children have been enlisting in ragtag protest groups to stop what they consider an unfair practice. Parents scarcely seem to care. Many parents further infuriate their children by sending them into stores to steal employee’s lunches on their behalf.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Plabnox Newswire: Starving Artists sign with Blackwater, KBR

Although many artists have struggled with insolvency for hundreds of years, the U.S. government has declined to endorse a proposed "Artists' Bailout Bill." An increasing scarcity of available jobs in the arts has led some bohemians to seek employment with private defense contractors, such as KBR and Blackwater, who have begun hiring these "mercenary artists." Atom Nugg, private defense pianist, received offers from both Blackwater and KBR but ultimately signed with Blackwater because it offers the superior performance venues of sandstorms and besieged villages. Nugg earns his pay (nearly 200K per annum) by launching daily classical attacks on perceived terrorist threats from a grand piano mounted atop a Hummer. Blackwater and KBR are in the midst of recruiting orchestral armies, which will comprise symphonies of musicians perched on Hummers and tanks that will transport them across battlefields. Both firms currently have openings for the following positions: Lieutenant singer-songwriter, Corporal novelist, General screenwriter, Captain Bassoonist, Sergeant painter, and Private opera singer.

Below: Atom Nugg fires a minuet just outside Baghdad.

Monday, December 8, 2008

The Plabnox Debtors' Prison and Resort

The stock market is crashing, a recession has just been declared, there's the war, and U.S. citizens are all feeling the pinch of inflation, unemployment, and mountains of bills. Just when everybody thought there was nowhere to turn, Plabnox is announcing the opening of its exciting new Plabnox Debtors' Prison and Resort.

Welcome to the Plabnox Cures Debtors' Prison and Resort, a revision of
the classic institution. Whereas the debtors' prisons of yore
incorporated serfdom or indentured servitude if the family could not
pay off the balance due of the debtor, Plabnox's prison offers a
delightful package of new options designed to personalize each
debtor's stay: 1) The debtor may opt to transfer a loved one to a
black site in lieu of payment; 2) The debtor may conscript a coworker
with a private defense contractor to satisfy debt.

Drs. and Swinnard have moved an historic old-time jail to a
secluded tropical location. When you contact Plabnox to describe your
financial woes, the team of doctors will fly to your home, blindfold
you, and whisk you away to the prison resort.

Once you arrive at the resort, the precise location of which will
remain undisclosed to everybody except the doctors, you will enjoy:
-endless hours of leisure time in your tiny, unlit, and unheated stone cell
-liberation from career and family obligations
-no more bills to amass
-no phone reception
-isolation from the IRS, debt collectors, and federal law enforcement agencies
-panoramic beach views from the jail's second floor observation vestibule
-meals of exotic fish, plankton, and snails caught daily by the jail's
sea-bed scraping machine.

Concept artist sought to explode the original
penitentiary model to accommodate the modern debtor on-the-go with the
addition of several yoga studios per floor—each boasts a 20 foot
ceiling and reinforced walls to ensure acoustic nirvana, a vast
library of feminist and avant-garde literature set in a
mahogany-paneled chamber equipped with burnished leather wingback
chairs, and two movie theaters (one arthouse and one revival) with
full bars and a patisserie.

"Debtors can make incremental payments by participating in the Plabnox
system—it's basically a new social contract," remarks Prosperina
Swinnard, the helmsbeing of the project, who, at the moment, rests
supine in a recumbent chair behind a furry desk. "Each yoga
class appearance, each feminist tome read, each film screening
attended knocks a chunk off your debt. It's a remarkable prison,
really." Life sounds positively heavenly at the Plabnox Debtors'
Prison and Resort.

But wait, there's a catch. Every eventide, when the clock tower—set
upon the seventh hole on the golf course—tolls seven and the raven
singeth his lonely dirge, the prison holds a required wine and/or
cheese tasting. Punishment for not attending the tasting entails a
vigorous deep tissue or hot stone massage—depending on the caprice of
the prison warden and the severity of the infraction. E.g., Truancy
from a European wine tasting paired with American cheeses would
warrant a 15 minute hot stone spa treatment, but absence from a German
sparkling wine tasting without cheese may incur a 60 minute full body,
deep tissue kneading.

If you're not yet convinced, take a moment to view the promotional
video below (with sound) and the artistic renderings above & below by the prison
resort's brain, Dr. Swinnard.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Plabnox Christian Post: Cat Christmas Carols

Plabnox Cures blushes to present the world's first release of Christmas carol music videos performed by gentile cats. Below is a sample of just one of the 826 music videos you will be able to enjoy each holiday season with the purchase of the limited special edition DVD box set, on sale for 149 tithes at The holy trinity of three bonus discs includes production notes, outtakes, and interviews with some of the feline starlets. It's a great stocking stuffer!

Below: "O Holy Night" performed by Jas Pere, directed by Ridley Scott.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A Plabnox Christmas: Noam Chomsky's Wishlist

No one loves to consume more than Noam Chomsky. This year, Noam has given Plabnox Cures a sneak preview of his wishlist, which he will distribute to family and friends at Thanksgiving dinner.

1. A new Lexus

2. A trip to the south of France

3. Season tickets to the Metropolitan Opera

4. A pound of truffles

5. A supine trip up Mount Everest on the backs of Sherpas

6. A manatee

7. A castle

8. An iPhone

9. A speedboat

10. A shopping spree at Hermès

11. A diamond tiara

12. Iraq (first choice) or Pakistan (second choice)

Noam Chomsky plans to go hog-wild at his local shopping mall on Black Friday.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Christmas Gift Ideas for your Cat

Due to the plummeting economy, many cost-conscious shoppers are scaling back their holiday purchases this year. To help our readers stay within their cat budgets, we suggest two inexpensive gifts that are popular with felines this season.

1. Tetris (below): Tetris is experiencing a resurgence within the cat demographic. Even though your furred friend hasn't asked for it by name, Tetris is surely on his or her holiday wishlist.

2. Noam Chomsky paraphernalia (below): It's no secret that cats love Noam, and now they can experience him intimately over and over again with the purchase of his dvd series, which includes lectures delivered abroad, and at Harvard and MIT.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Plabnox Cures’ Twelve-Step Programs Series Presents…Artificial Sweeteners Anonymous

Dr. Peter Perofovich, in a recent conversation with his colleague, Dr. Prosperina Swinnard, revealed that he has been struggling to kick the Splenda habit. Swinnard, a recent disciple of Artificial Sweeteners Anonymous, had phoned Perofovich in order to complete step nine of the program and apologize for the effect her Splenda intake had had on their friendship and professional relationship. Dr. Perofovich was impressed by Swinnard’s dietary journey and decided to give the program a whirl. The twelve steps have been printed below, with permission from Plabnox Cures, Inc.

1.We admitted we were powerless over Splenda—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a natural, unrefined sugar greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our menus over to the care of Plabnox Cures as we understand It.

4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of our artificially sweetened ingestion.

5. Admitted to Plabnox Cures, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have Plabnox Cures remove all these defects on our grocery lists.

7. Humbly asked Plabnox to remove our dietary shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed in our abuse of Splenda, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would fatten them or others.

10. Continued to take inventory of our vittles and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through raw sugar and organic honey to improve our conscious contact with Plabnox Cures as we understand It, praying only for knowledge of Its Will for our snacks and the power to compose those snacks.

12. Having had a comestible awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Splenda users, and to practice these restrictions in all our repasts.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Plabnox Cures Votes Yes on Proposition 826

Above: The current patchwork of American property rights. The schism in the center represents the inclusion of white men in the definition of property holders.

SOUTH DAKOTA – Plabnox Cures endorses Proposition 826, the South Dakota ballot initiative to deny property rights to white males. The initiative, which prohibits white males from holding, transferring, inheriting, or exchanging property, has been backed by various minority groups, and Plabnox Cures doctors have recently announced their intent to make a donation to the initiative, to the tune of 5 million wildcat notes. At Plabnox’s South Dakota headquarters, we met with the trio of medical specialists to find out why Prop. 826 resonates with them.

“Just because I have friends who are white males doesn’t mean I have to support them holding property,” states Dr. Peter Perofovich as he reclines on his examining table. “I mean, women, African-Americans, Latinos, and Asian-Americans have a hallowed tradition of property ownership. Each one of those groups contributes something valuable to property ownership. Ergo, white males should not have property rights.”

We caught Dr. Prosperina Swinnard filling bottles of narcotics, and discovered her apathy on the issue. “I’m not a white male and I don’t know any white males, so it’s not really my battle. I could go either way on the issue, really—if some states want to give white males property rights but slap a different name on those rights, that would be fine with me. It would remind white men of their fundamental difference from the rest of us.” She pauses to pocket a few pills. “And even though some people are calling property ownership a discriminatory and exclusionary institution, I will continue to own property even if Prop. 826 passes. My parents proudly continued to send me to a segregated school despite the criticism of their activist friends, and my great-great-grandparents refused to support the abolitionists during the Civil War because they weren’t slaves. There’s a respected custom of inaction in my family, and I’m not about to abandon that heritage.”

Dr. Sister Dosky, a notorious recluse with strong opinions, tried to avoid an interview, but she relented when we agreed to visit her private room out back. She spoke to us between cigars, “Jesus always said, ‘Love the sinner but hate the sin.’ It’s well-known that white men have a history of abusing property rights. This isn’t the best example, but take Christopher Columbus. Don’t get me wrong—he was a great man, a man of real integrity. But he just didn’t know how to keep his lawn cut. He was always letting it grow wild. His land ownership was a blight on land ownership for all.” Dr. Dosky adjusts her morphine drip, “ Allowing white males to hold property threatens the moral fabric of American society. If they really want to have property rights, they can always get sex reassignment surgery.”

It is unclear what will happen to the small pockets of property currently owned by white males, should Proposition 826 pass. Some legal scholars predict that it will transfer to their minority children, parents, or spouses. Others prognosticate that the property will revert to the state, to be divvied up among various social service programs.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Columbia’s Butler Library Lays Siege to Provost’s Office

Above: Butler Library lawn at Columbia University. A peaceful morning gave birth to a bloodbath when librarians opened fire shortly after their lunch hour.

NEW YORK, N. Y. – Columbia librarians, after stalled budgetary negotiations, launched an artillery attack on the Provost’s Office Friday afternoon. Preceding the incursion, the librarians had issued reports to the university newspaper that the Provost was hoarding donations of massive proportion. Subject specialists at Butler rallied to the cause, and all agreed that military action against the Financial Office could not wait for approval from Facilities and Planning. Meanwhile, work study students at the Agricultural Library have been recruited in the surge against the Visual and Performing Arts professors. According to one library source, future talks with the Visual and Performing Arts professors will not take place without preconditions.
Below: Librarians reload ammo using an operating manual from Columbia's course reserves.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Plabnox Cures Productions to Shoot Recession Blockbuster, MAELSTROM INLET

As of 10:47AM today, Plabnox Cures Productions has green-lit a new project, a water-ride based film. Rocko Taco, Director of Creative Development at PC Productions, birthed a brainchild after a period of moderate labor that occupied most of his Saturday brunch hour. A glowing Taco later made attempts to sell the brainchild to PC Productions as a “plot treatment” for a proposed film. After conducting a careful analysis of Taco’s issue (reproduced below), Plabnox Cures doctors Perofovich and Swinnard report with confidence that the brood’s box office potential is high.

Below: Taco’s infant.

MAELSTROM INLET Submitted by: Rocko Taco
Original Idea

A much-needed family vacation to a "pristine tropical resort" becomes
a nightmare when a family is caught in a typhoon. Only in the
typhoon's aftermath, does the family discover that the island has more
going on than meets the eye. With the help of a university professor,
on the island to study "abnormal weather patterns", the family must
navigate various wish-fulfillment challenges (wave machine, newly
created rapids, water pressure tunnels, etc.) and make their way to
the resort owner's secret lair. There they discover the owner has
built a weather machine, among other inventions, in the hopes of
creating an island for a "guaranteed perfect vacation". The family
and professor realize the machine must be destroyed and manage to do
so before they make a water-ride escape down the side of the mountain.
What started off as the worst vacation ever, became the vacation of a
lifetime as they realized it's not where you go, but who you're with
that matters.

This could be a big family/adventure film that capitalizes on a fun,
exciting new world that has a tie-in component to a pre-existing
Sidney attraction. Maelstrom Inlet, the Sidney attraction, is based
on the various "rides" in an exciting new world created from the
aftermath of a typhoon hitting a tropical resort hotel. The water ride
component hasn't been exploited in film and could bring an original
take on a four-quadrant mainstream Sidney film.

Plabnox Cures Analysis: Taco’s Difference

1. Taco’s treatment is a fresh take on the tried-and-true White Man’s Burden theme: Western Man’s Burden. Although the family’s race is unspecified, one might assume they come from the Occident, given the proposed market for the film. The island people are given respite from the meteorological tyranny of the resort owner only after the family’s arrival on the island and their feature-length efforts to destroy the weather machine. This thematic will pair well with our current foreign policy, and could justify getting federal funding for production.

2. One of Taco’s many innovations is the non-traditional use of the psychoanalytic term “wish-fulfillment” (usually, the drive to free oneself from tension caused by instinctual needs, as sex, which is sublimated by dreams). Here, Taco coins the ambiguous phrase “wish-fulfillment challenges,” which connotes either that the subject desires or eroticizes obstacle-course type challenges, or that the subject will express a wish-fulfillment once s/he completes a challenge. Taco’s invention could shed some much-needed light on the connection of psychoanalysis to water parks.

3. Unlike most movies of this genre, in which the academic figure accompanies the protagonists on their journey (e.g., Jurassic Park), the university professor has actually been on the island all along, apparently suffering the weather-based torture with the rest of the populace. He only realizes that the weather machine “must be destroyed” after the arrival of the family unit. With the indolent, unmotivated university professor, Maelstrom Inlet breaks with the Hollywood stereotype of the “progressive academic.”

4. Taco’s idea calls into question the notion, blindly accepted by most, that torture is categorically bad. Although the family unit and the professor decide that the machine must be destroyed, its terror-producing output also bestows pleasure and amusement, such as water slides and wave generators, upon its subjects. Thus, the film will go further than most in pointing out the positive aspects of torture, while still maintaining that torture should not be practiced, no matter how pleasurable.

5. "The water ride component hasn't been exploited in film and could bring an original
take on a four-quadrant mainstream Sidney film.”
—We like the way Taco’s brain works to bring in new material, and he will use his ground-breaking methods in an upcoming treatment for a feature that revolves around colanders, also never before exploited in film.

6. "What started off as the worst vacation ever, became the vacation of a lifetime as they realized it's not where you go, but who you're with that matters." -- Taco's masterful plot promises to bring audiences to the painful and difficult revelation that relationships sometimes matter more than leisure travel and resorts.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Plabnox Cures Opera House Presents Mademoiselle Circulation (“Miss Traffic”)

The newly erected Plabnox Cures Opera House opened its doors last night to the upper crust with a private showing of Dr. Prosperina Swinnard’s Mademoiselle Circulation, an opera in five acts (libretto by Dr. Peter Perofovich). The tragedy uses the lofty art of opera to convey the trials and tribulations of the lowest class of U.S. citizens—pedestrians—to the gentry. Opening on an emissions-filled stage beset with honking, exhaust-spewing vehicles, the opera immerses the audience at once in the smoky yellow ambiance of rush hour Philadelphia. By the time Mademoiselle appears amidst the automobiles, theatergoers can barely make out her figure through the smog clouds and gas excretions. In fact, the recreation of reality by PCOH is so lifelike that several asthmatic patrons lost consciousness due to carbon monoxide poisoning before Act Two had even begun.

Mademoiselle must navigate gridlocks, faded crosswalks, ambiguous traffic laws, and septic odors as she treks to work on foot. There is an early omen of danger when she encounters a driver who is simultaneously talking on her cell phone and smoking a cigarette—a veritable death knell in the pedestrian subculture. In a harrowing scene, a storm swirls up and an SUV tries to run a red light—just as Mademoiselle Circulation steps out onto the crosswalk. Mademoiselle stands her ground, prompting the SUV to serenade the audience with one of the most haunting bel canto arias of the opera. Mademoiselle challenges the SUV to a duel, and Act Five crescendos in a violent recitative passage of honking, trumpeting brakes, backfiring vehicles, and quivering string notes that leaves one of the characters impaled and the stage slick with pools of spilled gasoline. Plabnox Cures opera critic Penelope Ravioli theorizes that, “the daring Mademoiselle Circulation is, at heart, a scathing indictment of the American traffic system.”

*This opera is not recommended for individuals with respiratory problems.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Final Presidential Debate: Josephine the Plumber

Above: McCain flaunts his fleshy wattle during the runway portion of the debate.

Above: Obama presents his wedding ring as evidence that he is a family man, yet not an Arab.

Last night’s debate was clearly dominated by the eloquent John McCain, who wooed voters with evocative word paintings like, “breash of freth air,” when referring to his running mate, Sarah Palin. McCain also treated the debate as a platform for a public reading of his latest short story, the allegory of “Joe the Plumber,” soon to be released by Plabnox Cures Publications in The Collected Short Stories of John McCain, Vol. I:2006-2008. The collection includes lesser-known tales such as “Josephine the Plumber” and “My Wife is a Trollop and a Cunt.”

McCain, in top form, was not light on content, either, as he hammered home one of the main points of the debate—namely, that women, a notoriously untrustworthy and tricky fragment of the constituency, shouldn’t be left to make decisions on their own. Both candidates supported this idea; Obama emphasized that women should remain firmly ensconced within paternal, symbolic law and mustn’t decide to have an abortion without consulting beforehand with a bevy of men, including families, doctors, and religious advisors*. However, the two candidates differ on the finer points of the women issue. McCain’s two-point plan for women is broader in scope than Obama’s, and includes overturning Roe v. Wade and then adopting hordes of unwanted newborns. When the topic of partial-birth abortion** arose, Obama, an Arab but not a family man, crumbled by confessing his support of a provision for the mother’s health. Many Americans are concerned with the definition of “health” as it pertains to women and worry that voters don’t have a voice in each woman’s decision to have an abortion, obtain contraceptives, get treatment for cancer, or refill prescriptions. A grimacing McCain spoke for the everyman when he rolled his eyes and squeamishly deplored the extension of “ ‘women’s health’ to mean just about anything.” Neither candidate mentioned that abortion is many times safer than pregnancy, which was probably wise since it is rumored that a few women in isolated households were allowed to watch the debates, under the watchful guidance of their fathers and husbands.

Each candidate managed to weave the coveted Reagan allusion into the American quilt of the debate. Reagan, a former U.S. president adored for his state-sponsored anti-communist terrorism and dismissal of the AIDS crisis, has been extolled by McCain in the past for his virtuous economic doctrine whose goal was to inseminate the entire globe, without consent, with free-trade capitalism. Last night, McCain slyly hinted at Reagan with mention of Nancy Reagan’s hospital stay, while Obama bragged about his own association with Reagan in concert with William Ayers.

Ayers, the "centerpiece" or entrée of McCain's campaign, came up during a heated portion of the debate in which it was settled that, while McCain shall not be held accountable for remarks directed at Obama like “Terrorist!” and “Kill him!” made by “fringe” attendees at his rallies, Obama shall be held accountable for clever remarks about McCain made by any and all congressmen who exist outside the purview of Obama’s campaign. This segment of the debate further established that, since McCain is a presidential candidate, he shall be allowed to make libelous television ads that apply the misnomer of “Terrorist” to Ayers, so long as they advance his rise to presidency. Neither candidate chose to argue that, hypothetically, if a person has been convicted of a crime (e.g., domestic terrorism, as Bill Ayers has not), paid punitively, reformed, and went on to contribute positively to society, this evolution would be a testament to the efficacy of our justice and penal system. However, such a tactic would have spelled campaign suicide by implying that criminals can reform.

On the subject of oil, the adversaries murmured that Canadian oil is categorically purer and superior to that of Venezuela and the Middle East. Both concurred that it would be preposterous to accept oil from any Middle Eastern country or Venezuela, but not from Canada. The difference between Canada and the aforementioned inferior countries is that Canada and the U.S. have shared values. The candidates and, by extension, the American people, value that most Canadians are white and speak English.

Auspiciously, when grilled by the moderator as to how each would cut spending, neither Obama nor McCain mentioned the war in Iraq. The Plabnox Cures crystal balls forecast that this bodes well for the prospect of future wars—a blitzkrieg in Afghanistan again, followed by a trio of pillaging in Iran, Pakistan, and North Korea—so long as the bloodshed budget remains robust and the government pledges to cut frivolities like Healthcare, Social Security, Education, Public Works, and the Arts.

*Although for centuries abortion was a private matter between only a woman and her physician, the explosion of mass media in the twentieth century has revealed abortion and women’s health to be ripe and entertaining topics of discussion.

**While the AMA does not recognize “partial-birth abortion” as a medical term, this mystical phrase has proven effective in political discourse due to its flowery descriptive properties.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Plabnox Health Scare: USA Rash

PHILADELPHIA – Plabnox’s Dr. Prosperina Swinnard has discovered a virulent new strain of skin rash striking the American intelligentsia: the USA Rash. The unsightly red patch manifests itself after prolonged exposure to delusional and jingoistic pro-USA statements like Barack Obama’s wildly fictitious assertion, “America is the greatest nation” at the presidential debate earlier this week. This deadly assortment of words contained two irritants: 1) the fiction that America is a nation—assuming Obama intended this “America” include Canada and Paraguay, along with the other Central and Southern American nations; 2) the assumption that “America” should be the greatest nation and that our dying economy, acts of international aggression, human rights violations, deplorable healthcare system, etc. make us the greatest nation on the planet.

McCain unleashed another contagion at the debate when he criticized other nations’ (e.g., Russia’s) acts of aggression while failing to acknowledge the U.S.’s aggression in Iraq and decimation of Iraqi civilians. McCain’s hypocrisy has infected as many as one person; the infected caught the rash en route to Vermont, where he remains, quarantined. Plabnox Cures’ epidemiologist, Dr. Peter Perofovich, has created an algorithm that predicts USA Rash will spread at an alarming rate: N^215 – N = S (where N = original number of persons infected, and S = projected infected persons).

Dr. Swinnard advises that, while the only cure for USA Rash is expatriation, its symptoms can be treated while remaining in the country by avoiding the following: nationalistic and patriotic language, the military, bearing arms, and the diseased trio of colors red, white, and blue. A person who tests positive for USA Rash can still spread the disease to others, even during latency. Protect yourself and heighten your resistance with preventive measures like recycling, voting for third party candidates, engaging in subversive activities, and listening to Democracy Now!. To reduce the likelihood of contamination in public spaces like restrooms and offices, Dr. Perofovich recommends disinfecting surfaces by covering them with socialist propaganda, French cabaret handbills, feminist literature, and anarchist circulars.