Plabnox Newswire: Starving Artists sign with Blackwater, KBR

Although many artists have struggled with insolvency for hundreds of years, the U.S. government has declined to endorse a proposed "Artists' Bailout Bill." An increasing scarcity of available jobs in the arts has led some bohemians to seek employment with private defense contractors, such as KBR and Blackwater, who have begun hiring these "mercenary artists." Atom Nugg, private defense pianist, received offers from both Blackwater and KBR but ultimately signed with Blackwater because it offers the superior performance venues of sandstorms and besieged villages. Nugg earns his pay (nearly 200K per annum) by launching daily classical attacks on perceived terrorist threats from a grand piano mounted atop a Hummer. Blackwater and KBR are in the midst of recruiting orchestral armies, which will comprise symphonies of musicians perched on Hummers and tanks that will transport them across battlefields. Both firms currently have openings for the following positions: Lieutenant singer-songwriter, Corporal novelist, General screenwriter, Captain Bassoonist, Sergeant painter, and Private opera singer.

Below: Atom Nugg fires a minuet just outside Baghdad.