Columbia’s Butler Library Lays Siege to Provost’s Office

Above: Butler Library lawn at Columbia University. A peaceful morning gave birth to a bloodbath when librarians opened fire shortly after their lunch hour.

NEW YORK, N. Y. – Columbia librarians, after stalled budgetary negotiations, launched an artillery attack on the Provost’s Office Friday afternoon. Preceding the incursion, the librarians had issued reports to the university newspaper that the Provost was hoarding donations of massive proportion. Subject specialists at Butler rallied to the cause, and all agreed that military action against the Financial Office could not wait for approval from Facilities and Planning. Meanwhile, work study students at the Agricultural Library have been recruited in the surge against the Visual and Performing Arts professors. According to one library source, future talks with the Visual and Performing Arts professors will not take place without preconditions.

Below: Librarians reload ammo using an operating manual from Columbia's course reserves.