Thursday, October 9, 2008

Plabnox Health Scare: USA Rash

PHILADELPHIA – Plabnox’s Dr. Prosperina Swinnard has discovered a virulent new strain of skin rash striking the American intelligentsia: the USA Rash. The unsightly red patch manifests itself after prolonged exposure to delusional and jingoistic pro-USA statements like Barack Obama’s wildly fictitious assertion, “America is the greatest nation” at the presidential debate earlier this week. This deadly assortment of words contained two irritants: 1) the fiction that America is a nation—assuming Obama intended this “America” include Canada and Paraguay, along with the other Central and Southern American nations; 2) the assumption that “America” should be the greatest nation and that our dying economy, acts of international aggression, human rights violations, deplorable healthcare system, etc. make us the greatest nation on the planet.

McCain unleashed another contagion at the debate when he criticized other nations’ (e.g., Russia’s) acts of aggression while failing to acknowledge the U.S.’s aggression in Iraq and decimation of Iraqi civilians. McCain’s hypocrisy has infected as many as one person; the infected caught the rash en route to Vermont, where he remains, quarantined. Plabnox Cures’ epidemiologist, Dr. Peter Perofovich, has created an algorithm that predicts USA Rash will spread at an alarming rate: N^215 – N = S (where N = original number of persons infected, and S = projected infected persons).

Dr. Swinnard advises that, while the only cure for USA Rash is expatriation, its symptoms can be treated while remaining in the country by avoiding the following: nationalistic and patriotic language, the military, bearing arms, and the diseased trio of colors red, white, and blue. A person who tests positive for USA Rash can still spread the disease to others, even during latency. Protect yourself and heighten your resistance with preventive measures like recycling, voting for third party candidates, engaging in subversive activities, and listening to Democracy Now!. To reduce the likelihood of contamination in public spaces like restrooms and offices, Dr. Perofovich recommends disinfecting surfaces by covering them with socialist propaganda, French cabaret handbills, feminist literature, and anarchist circulars.

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