Monday, December 8, 2008

The Plabnox Debtors' Prison and Resort

The stock market is crashing, a recession has just been declared, there's the war, and U.S. citizens are all feeling the pinch of inflation, unemployment, and mountains of bills. Just when everybody thought there was nowhere to turn, Plabnox is announcing the opening of its exciting new Plabnox Debtors' Prison and Resort.

Welcome to the Plabnox Cures Debtors' Prison and Resort, a revision of
the classic institution. Whereas the debtors' prisons of yore
incorporated serfdom or indentured servitude if the family could not
pay off the balance due of the debtor, Plabnox's prison offers a
delightful package of new options designed to personalize each
debtor's stay: 1) The debtor may opt to transfer a loved one to a
black site in lieu of payment; 2) The debtor may conscript a coworker
with a private defense contractor to satisfy debt.

Drs. and Swinnard have moved an historic old-time jail to a
secluded tropical location. When you contact Plabnox to describe your
financial woes, the team of doctors will fly to your home, blindfold
you, and whisk you away to the prison resort.

Once you arrive at the resort, the precise location of which will
remain undisclosed to everybody except the doctors, you will enjoy:
-endless hours of leisure time in your tiny, unlit, and unheated stone cell
-liberation from career and family obligations
-no more bills to amass
-no phone reception
-isolation from the IRS, debt collectors, and federal law enforcement agencies
-panoramic beach views from the jail's second floor observation vestibule
-meals of exotic fish, plankton, and snails caught daily by the jail's
sea-bed scraping machine.

Concept artist sought to explode the original
penitentiary model to accommodate the modern debtor on-the-go with the
addition of several yoga studios per floor—each boasts a 20 foot
ceiling and reinforced walls to ensure acoustic nirvana, a vast
library of feminist and avant-garde literature set in a
mahogany-paneled chamber equipped with burnished leather wingback
chairs, and two movie theaters (one arthouse and one revival) with
full bars and a patisserie.

"Debtors can make incremental payments by participating in the Plabnox
system—it's basically a new social contract," remarks Prosperina
Swinnard, the helmsbeing of the project, who, at the moment, rests
supine in a recumbent chair behind a furry desk. "Each yoga
class appearance, each feminist tome read, each film screening
attended knocks a chunk off your debt. It's a remarkable prison,
really." Life sounds positively heavenly at the Plabnox Debtors'
Prison and Resort.

But wait, there's a catch. Every eventide, when the clock tower—set
upon the seventh hole on the golf course—tolls seven and the raven
singeth his lonely dirge, the prison holds a required wine and/or
cheese tasting. Punishment for not attending the tasting entails a
vigorous deep tissue or hot stone massage—depending on the caprice of
the prison warden and the severity of the infraction. E.g., Truancy
from a European wine tasting paired with American cheeses would
warrant a 15 minute hot stone spa treatment, but absence from a German
sparkling wine tasting without cheese may incur a 60 minute full body,
deep tissue kneading.

If you're not yet convinced, take a moment to view the promotional
video below (with sound) and the artistic renderings above & below by the prison
resort's brain, Dr. Swinnard.

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