Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Season-Neutral Carols

Today marks the release of "Season-Neutral Carols" by Plabnox's respected doctors-cum-tunesmiths Prosperina Swinnard and . The album features 9 carols that can be enjoyed during any time of the year by listeners of all denominations.

Track Listing:

8. Rudolph the Sea Anemone

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Work Nuggets

4. Wish-fulfillment
At Rise: Dr. Swinnard has moved the half and half and sweetener bowls from the office into the kitchen. She is now rooted back at her desk. Chip Stanley, her boss, approaches her.

Chip Stanley: Thanks for clearing away the coffee residue from yesterday.

Dr. Swinnard: No problem.
Chip Stanley: You know, it's funny, when I went to the common press meeting last week at the Kirby Writers House, I walked in, and Hal Peanut's assistant, Janine, was in the kitchen making coffee and gathering buns [chuckles] and i thought to myself, "I wonder if I could get Dr. Swinnard and Pam to do that. Wear an apron and make coffee, you know..."
Dr. Swinnard: Hah. Probably not.
Chip Stanley: Yeah, i know.
Dr. Swinnard: Did you say anything about it?
Chip Stanley: No, there are some things you can't joke about.
Dr. Swinnard: Yeah, definitely.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Regional Slang for Swine Flu

Generally dubbed "Swine Flu", the H1N1 virus is actually known by a slew of other names around the country.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

A new credit card from Plabnox Cures

Wars in Afghanistan and Iraq: $915 billion.

Casualties: 300,000- 600,000.

Gas per day to propel the U.S. military: 800,000 gallons.

Saying "we won": Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's PlabCard.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Plabnox Cures...Gender Deviance

It’s every parent’s worst nightmare: the blissful introduction of the male newborn into the home goes horribly awry when he gravitates toward the pink toys rather than the blue, lets his wrists go lax when lounging, prances more frequently than prowls, and emits a high-pitched mew instead of a baritone mrow. Dealing with the scourge of feline gender deviance is never easy, but cat owners need no longer need fret: Plabnox’s Drs. Swinnard and Perofovich have devised a program than enhances gender-ambivalent cats' chances at acceptance through the adoption of normative gender identities.

Case Study in Feline Gender Deviance: Jasper H.

Published by Drs. Swinnard and Perofovich

The subject, Jasper H., is a three-year-old male domestic shorthaired who presents with gender identity disorder, accompanied by comorbid narcissistic personality traits. Jasper’s parents have observed him performing obsessive preening rituals and gazing longingly at himself in the mirror. Preferring traditionally feminine toys rendered in magentas and purples and festooned with spangles, glitter, and bright plumage, Jasper avoids more subdued and manly furry toys in mottled browns and grays.

The subject’s psyche remains embroiled in an unresolved oedipal conflict, manifested by an overidentification with and incestuous feelings for his mother, and aggressive behavior toward his father. Jasper is wont to revisit the primal scene by invading his parents’ bed in the middle of the night. He brings to the bed his fluorescent pink mousie, itself a heavily cathected fetish object, (he displays his repetition compulsion through daily assault, disembowelment, and symbolic rape of the mousie). After dropping the fetish object upon his mother’s head, Jasper will attempt to (re)merge with the maternal body by licking her face, squatting on her, or purring into one of her orifices. In order to break Jasper’s identification with his mother and encourage identification with the father to correct his gender deviance, Drs. Swinnard and Perofovich recommended the subject’s parents immediately assume unyielding gender roles along a traditional male-female binary. Through training with a toilet brush and a parasol, Dr. Swinnard has been working with Jasper’s mother on the arts of domestic subservience and feminine frivolity. Jasper’s father has been assisted by Dr. Perofovich in the areas of abusive and domineering speech, wielding the phallus, brandishing the kitchen knife, and ingesting mammoth quantities of red meat.

Drs. Swinnard and Perofovich, after living with Jasper’s family for four months in order to effect 24-hour psychological surveillance of the subject, reproduce below the most alarming examples of Jasper’s flamboyant behavior.

Symptom 1: Flaccid wrists. Additional footage of Jasper's wrists can be viewed here.

Symptom 2: Affinity for plumed and polychromatic objects.

Below: The fetish object (note the plushness of the object and the traditionally feminine color palette).

Below: The fetish object deposited at the site of the primal scene. Symptom 3: Shameless bodily display.

Symptom 4: Bedazzling in finery. Note that here Jasper has opted for a pirate costume; pirates were notorious for their gender-bending ways.
Below: When presented with a chasing opportunity, the subject fails to prowl, and rather, prances in a disconcerting manner.

Friday, June 26, 2009

MJ Party!

The Plabnox doctors are feting Michael Jackson, one of their favorite performers of all time. They will be hosting two simultaneous parties (for your convenience) at different locations; the two galas will each feature a 13" black and white TV broadcasting what is happening at the other.

Event information

Venues: the White House (Washington, D.C., hosted by Dr. Swinnard); Moose Club lodge #1391 (Williamstown, Vermont; hosted by Dr. Perofovich)
Date: Monday, June 28 2009
Time: 4:00 a.m.


*Bring your own snarl bang (n.b. the snarl bang is the sentient chunk of hair frequently seen dangling over MJ's forehead)

Plabnox remembers Plabnox admiring MJ

In 2003, Plabnox Cures made the following breakthrough webpage to dispel controversy surrounding Michael Jackson's physiognomy. On the afternoon following his untimely death, we remember our webpage, reproduced here:

Plabnox Cures Presents...

An MJ Breakthrough!

Have the Pet Detectives finally discovered MJ's secret?

During the recent MJ interview on ABC, Pet Detectives Piggy Peggy and Penelope Ravioli both discovered, independently, what is the secret behind MJ's facial metamorphosis. Some have claimed it's an obsession with perfection, others that it's a sick addiction. But the Pet Dets have stumbled upon the real explanation: MJ is trying to become Peter Pan

First, take a look at some supporting facts:

  • MJ's home is called "Neverland"
  • MJ has multiple larger than life depictions of Peter Pan on his ranch
  • MJ said, during the interview, "I'm Peter Pan in my heart."
  • MJ has a childlike spirit
  • MJ relates to children on an emotional level
  • MJ wants to remain in his childhood, just as Peter Pan lived in eternal childhood
  • During the interview, MJ uttered the phrase, "I want to live forever."

The Pet Detectives sifted through scores of MJ and Peter Pan pictures hoping to find similarities between the singer and the Disney character. They did not come up empty-handed. Below are the results of their search and subsequent scientific analyses of certain pairs of images.

1. The Nose

Much ado has been made of MJ's nose. Some tabloids claim it is falling off, and an alleged plastic surgery expert recently asserted that MJ's nose is "beyond the point of no turning back." However, the Pet Dets have noticed that MJ's nose is in fact becoming increasingly pixie-like, i.e., more like Peter Pan's.

2. The Eye Region

In the pictures that follow, pay special attention to MJ's eyebrows and eye shape. The brows are thick and angled like Peter Pan's, and the eyes are lifted and less oblong.

3. The Entire Cranium

Don't let the trees block your view of the forest--you should pay attention to MJ's entire face, not just certain features. In the images that follow, the Pet Dets present whole-face analyses. Be sure to note similarities between MJ's and Peter's hair styles, cheekbones, and facial structures.