Monday, June 30, 2008

Plabnox Cures: Behind the Scenes

Every post seen by the public on Plabnox Cures looks like effortlessly crafted perfection. But Plabnox's dear readers may be stunned to learn that creation is not always a smooth process for the good doctors, and that some of the doctors' ideas do not even make it beyond the most nebulous stages of development before being deemed unworthy of Plabnox Cures.

A recent conversation between Drs. Swinnard and Perofovich highlights the tension that can mount when an already murky idea seems to be emitting its death rattle. As in the example below, unnecessarily frequent use of the word "well" as a sentence opener during dialogue between the Plabnox doctors tends to herald the demise of the idea being discussed.

Dr. Swinnard: Well, so when are we going to work on the avant-garde detective idea?
Dr. Perofovich: Well, I feel like that "idea" is just a laundry list of every theme we have thought of in the past two months.
S: Well, does that mean you just want to give up on it?
P: Well, whenever I try to work on it, I can't tell if I'm making a coherent product out of this list, or if I'm just trying to pass a kidney stone.
S: Right. Well, I guess we should work on something else.
P: Okay.
S: Maybe we can come back to it later on.
P: Okay.

At this point, the avant-garde detective idea was shelved due to its lack of focus, and neither doctor has spoken of it since.

The following are some other Plabnox ideas that were rejected for various reasons:
  • "101 Household Uses for the Post-partum Placenta" (the good doctors could only think of 77)
  • "Kitty Porn" (the doctors revised this to "Gay Cat Erotica", which will be a department in the soon-to-open Plabnox Cures General Store)
  • "Plabnox's New & Improved Form 1040" (rejected by the Bush administration because it permitted cats to be listed as dependents)
  • "10 Bad Plabnox Ideas" (the doctors have only had 4, including this one)

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Victorian Triathlon: Artist's Rendering

Click for larger image

American Contemporary
Cyclist Vies in a Victorian Triathlon
Pixels in a File (Microsoft Paint)
.02 x .04 leagues

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Plabnox History Lesson: Victorian Triathlon

The modern triathlon originated in Victorian times. Queen Victoria was a frequent participant, and the spectacle was named in her honor.

Below: Queen Victoria, triathlete.

Each race commenced with the swimming portion, which was the most scandalous due to the lascivious yet streamlined bathing suits.

Below: The Victorian Speedo left nothing to the imagination.

After the dip, the athletes would undergo an extensive costume change into their running outfits. Gear for the run consisted of a bustle, which was available in numerous forms and sizes, a floor-length skirt, puffed taffeta sleeves for lift, and a parasol (indispensable for the stretches where the runner was exposed to direct sunlight; when closed, the parasol could be used to trip, stab, or poke other competitors).

Below: A daguerreotype of a triathlete clad in the full running gear panoply.
Below: Profile of a bustle.

Below: An array of bustle varieties. Each discrete breed performed a unique function, much like the modern running shoe in its many styles.

The final segment of the Victorian triathlon involved the bicycle race. Cyclists found the design of the Victorian racing bike was to their advantage because the high seating allowed them sweeping vistas of the surrounding terrain.

Below: A disciplined moustache trains for an upcoming triathlon on his racing bike.

Below: This rare prototype was designed for, but never used in triathlons. While the bike failed to take off in the racing circuit, it did become the first gay dance club of the Victorian era.

Below: For reasons obvious in the photograph below, the straight dance club did not catch on.

Logophile’s Lounge: The “Ain’t” Revival

Quaint, folksy, yet long stigmatized, the controversial "ain't" is witnessing a renaissance among the American intelligentsia, in its proper form only. After centuries of eking out an existence at the margins of society, "ain't" is now infiltrating established institutions and casual dialogue. Plabnox has conducted vigorous field research and compiled a guide to appropriate usage of the venerable term. Please see meticulously culled examples below to learn how to incorporate “ain’t” into your working vocabulary:

Scene 1: The Embedded, Formal "Ain't"
DR. SWINNARD: Thank you for calling the President's Office of Columbia University. I ain't available to take your call, but if you kindly leave a message containing your contact information, I will return your call promptly.

**A common mistake is the pairing of "ain't" with a nominative plural. E.g., in the above statement, had Dr. Swinnard spoken, "We ain't available to take your call," she would have been the laughingstock of her community. This pairing is a heinous error and will only bring shame and ignominy upon the utterer and her household.

Scene 2: The Casual, yet Professional "Ain't"
T.H.: Dr. Perofovich, can you refill my prescription over the phone?
DR. PEROFOVICH: I'm sorry, I ain't able to refill that medication without an in-person visit.

In other lexical gossip, "hain't", the dark and elusive sister of "ain't," has resurrected herself as well. A contraction of “have” or "has," and “not,” “hain’t” may be substituted for any occurrence of “haven’t” or "has."


DR. DOSKY: Though I love cats, I hain’t adopted one because I dislike supporting a dependent.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Judge Croc Rules: Zohan Trailer

Plabnox Cures v. Zohan Trailer
81 P.C. 982 (2008)

Opinion by the Honorable Judge Croc (below)

To view the full trailer, please travel here: (

This ruling follows the precedent set by Plabnox Cures v. Hancock Trailer. The Zohan trailer presents a patchwork of phallic images and wish-fulfillment shots—namely, explosions, flight, guns firing, water spraying, and stock battle footage. It also implements a new marketing tactic: the trailer ambiguously proclaims that Adam Sandler's Israeli character, Zohan, possesses "lethal training,” thus leaving the viewer to question whether Zohan has been transformed into a lethal entity by the training, or the training was deadly. In a flagrant deviation from the traditional movie trailer, this question is raised and dropped, unresolved.

In order to convey to the audience that Zohan is of Middle Eastern descent, the opening sequence depiction of Zohan performing back-flips is superimposed with images of machine guns firing, or ejaculating, whichever descriptive verb you prefer. The sequence is also an accurate portrayal of Israelis as all Israelis are trained in torture and arcane military defense tactics. This truism receives emphasis later on in the trailer when Adam Sandler fells a child with the mere touch of his thumb and forefinger.

“You’re like Rembrandt with a grenade,” cries a decrepit unknown to Zohan 18 seconds into the trailer. Although seemingly important due to its prominent place in the two-minute trailer, this statement is devoid of meaning. Does it signify that Zohan can masterfully use the resultant mess of blood, bones and rent flesh from a grenade launch as his palette to paint dark, moody portraits mysteriously suffused with light? Or does it mean that Rembrandt, had he had access to a grenade, would have chosen to be like Adam Sandler's Zohan rather than an unparalleled artistic genius? Like most of the dialogue in the Zohan trailer, this gem is a classic example of the theater of the absurd and a nod to Dada artists everywhere.

Another fascinating aspect of the Zohan marketing team’s schema is to make the titular character’s appearances in the trailer contradictory. First, we spot Zohan swaggering down the street like a gangster, Adam Sandler's flabby body importing girth but not strength. Next, he interrupts the fast-paced rhythm of the trailer only to labor through a jumbled, inauthentically-accented, yet narratively necessary, one-minute long proclamation about his aspiration to become a coiffure stylist.

The trailer really gets going when a non-diegetic eighties dance song starts playing and Adam Sandler, in a hair salon, ejaculates with a rinsing hose, all over his elderly female client. As his semen rains down upon her, she laps it up with orgasmic glee and the camera circles the scene voyeuristically. Additionally, the imitable Adam Sandler, in a tour de force of cinematic performance, dominantly places his foot three feet off the ground, on the arm of her chair, so that his crotch receives a close-up.*

When asked by Plabnox, "Is Zohan more like Funny Games (1997) or Battleship Potemkin?" Touchhole (Plab’s industry insider) replied, "I told you why it was like Funny Games. It's like Battleship Potemkin because it uses the effective technique of montage to highlight the incredible proficiency of…Zohan in not only killing bad guys but cutting hair."

“Was that your feet?” proclaims an American extra as he is pummeled by Zohan’s feet. The screenwriter gave the character this line rather than the grammatically correct, “Were those your feet?” or “Was that your foot?”, as a pithy critique of the deplorable state of the average American’s grammar.

The trailer terminates with an afterthought of sex references and Middle Eastern/terrorism jokes made by random males, in the new wave ham-handedness style apparently favored by Adam Sandler movies

Judge Croc Rules: Adam Sandler is the poor man’s Sacha Baron Cohen.

*An allusion to the move first executed by Ted Danson, albeit with complex political and territorial connotations, in the groundbreaking television film when the BOUGH BReaKS.

Above: Judge Croc's Hollywood plantation, wherein he forms his famous and lucrative opinions.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Cat Shower

Dear Friend,

You are cordially invited to my belated cat shower. I adopted Jasper nearly 2 years ago. Like most mothers, to welcome him into our family I have decided to host a shower. I am registered at Cinq Cinq and Tokio 7 (avant-garde consignment store in New York City). You may also purchase a gift by choosing among the 934 items on my wishlist at Simply follow the link and use my name or email address to access my public wishlist. There are many books and DVDs listed that I believe Jasper and I could enjoy together.

The shower will commence at 3PM on July 4, 2008 on gchat. Help yourselves to vittles and libations.

Kindly RSVP to by July 1, 2008.

Yours truly,

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Plabnox Presents: Judge Croc’s Movie Trailer Reviews

Plabnox Cures v. Hancock Trailer
By Hesta; Opinion delivered by Judge Croc

Below: The honorable Judge Croc, here, emerging from his chambers, presided over the landmark case.

The below testimony was admitted during a hearing regarding poorly-conducted whale research for the Hancock movie trailer.

Me: I Hate Hancock. What is going on with the whale preview? To refresh your memory, in it Will Smith hurls a beached whale back into the ocean. The whale is airborne for 1-2 miles, which infuriated me because that would kill a whale. The reason beached whales die is their internal organs are crushed by gravity’s pull when they are out of water. Ergo, hurling a whale so that it flips over a dozen times is going to wreak further damage, not save it. It’s so phallic and absurd. I can't get over it. Who was in charge of researching whale biology? Have you seen the preview of which I speak?

Touchhole [Plab’s Industry Insider]: I have indeed. It kind of bothered me the first time, but then I got over it

Me: Did the whale part specifically bother you, and, if so, why did it bother you?

Touchhole: It did because not only does he HURL it out into the ocean, it hits a sail boat

Me: I didn't see that. Why is that funny/heroic? Is he an anti-hero? Why couldn’t he just use his strength to slide the whale into the water?

Touchhole: Because it's not cinematic.

Me: Why does it have to be a phallic demonstration of power? It’s so annoying.

Touchhole: LOL

Me: It could be cinematic if they had used a close-up of the whale, or the tidal life or Will's effort in pushing. The shot could have mimicked childbirth, but instead it is just ridiculous and grotesque and abusive. It raised my blood pressure for 35 minutes or so

Touchhole: Wow. I think you're taking it a little personal [sic].

Me: I am because it’s so thoughtless. I want to know who greenlighted it, and I want to know now

Touchhole: AMY PASCAL

Me: Of Sony?

Touchhole: Yes

Me: Yyyep. What a noug. Who did the research? It is a common fact that that act would do more harm to a whale than help.

Touchhole: No one. But, I happen to know someone who works with Will Smith on his productions and would be happy to forward a letter to her regarding this issue

Me: Well, all I can do is post it to Plab and then you can jump in a fwd it, but be sure to cc me on it.

Touchhole: I can't have this conversation with you right now. I will call later to discuss.

JUDGE CROC'S OPINION: As the defendant Hancock has failed to meet its burden of evidence in the whale biology area, I find a verdict in favor of the plaintiff, Plabnox Cures. Judge Croc rules Hancock is hereby sentenced to an ironic death via pressing*.

*Crushing of the internal organs.