Plabnox Cures Votes Yes on Proposition 826

Above: The current patchwork of American property rights. The schism in the center represents the inclusion of white men in the definition of property holders.

SOUTH DAKOTA – Plabnox Cures endorses Proposition 826, the South Dakota ballot initiative to deny property rights to white males. The initiative, which prohibits white males from holding, transferring, inheriting, or exchanging property, has been backed by various minority groups, and Plabnox Cures doctors have recently announced their intent to make a donation to the initiative, to the tune of 5 million wildcat notes. At Plabnox’s South Dakota headquarters, we met with the trio of medical specialists to find out why Prop. 826 resonates with them.

“Just because I have friends who are white males doesn’t mean I have to support them holding property,” states Dr. Peter Perofovich as he reclines on his examining table. “I mean, women, African-Americans, Latinos, and Asian-Americans have a hallowed tradition of property ownership. Each one of those groups contributes something valuable to property ownership. Ergo, white males should not have property rights.”

We caught Dr. Prosperina Swinnard filling bottles of narcotics, and discovered her apathy on the issue. “I’m not a white male and I don’t know any white males, so it’s not really my battle. I could go either way on the issue, really—if some states want to give white males property rights but slap a different name on those rights, that would be fine with me. It would remind white men of their fundamental difference from the rest of us.” She pauses to pocket a few pills. “And even though some people are calling property ownership a discriminatory and exclusionary institution, I will continue to own property even if Prop. 826 passes. My parents proudly continued to send me to a segregated school despite the criticism of their activist friends, and my great-great-grandparents refused to support the abolitionists during the Civil War because they weren’t slaves. There’s a respected custom of inaction in my family, and I’m not about to abandon that heritage.”

Dr. Sister Dosky, a notorious recluse with strong opinions, tried to avoid an interview, but she relented when we agreed to visit her private room out back. She spoke to us between cigars, “Jesus always said, ‘Love the sinner but hate the sin.’ It’s well-known that white men have a history of abusing property rights. This isn’t the best example, but take Christopher Columbus. Don’t get me wrong—he was a great man, a man of real integrity. But he just didn’t know how to keep his lawn cut. He was always letting it grow wild. His land ownership was a blight on land ownership for all.” Dr. Dosky adjusts her morphine drip, “ Allowing white males to hold property threatens the moral fabric of American society. If they really want to have property rights, they can always get sex reassignment surgery.”

It is unclear what will happen to the small pockets of property currently owned by white males, should Proposition 826 pass. Some legal scholars predict that it will transfer to their minority children, parents, or spouses. Others prognosticate that the property will revert to the state, to be divvied up among various social service programs.