The Plabnox Debtors' Prison and Resort

The stock market is crashing, a recession has just been declared, there's the war, and U.S. citizens are all feeling the pinch of inflation, unemployment, and mountains of bills. Just when everybody thought there was nowhere to turn, Plabnox is announcing the opening of its exciting new Plabnox Debtors' Prison and Resort.

Welcome to the Plabnox Cures Debtors' Prison and Resort, a revision of
the classic institution. Whereas the debtors' prisons of yore
incorporated serfdom or indentured servitude if the family could not
pay off the balance due of the debtor, Plabnox's prison offers a
delightful package of new options designed to personalize each
debtor's stay: 1) The debtor may opt to transfer a loved one to a
black site in lieu of payment; 2) The debtor may conscript a coworker
with a private defense contractor to satisfy debt.

Drs. and Swinnard have moved an historic old-time jail to a
secluded tropical location. When you contact Plabnox to describe your
financial woes, the team of doctors will fly to your home, blindfold
you, and whisk you away to the prison resort.

Once you arrive at the resort, the precise location of which will
remain undisclosed to everybody except the doctors, you will enjoy:
-endless hours of leisure time in your tiny, unlit, and unheated stone cell
-liberation from career and family obligations
-no more bills to amass
-no phone reception
-isolation from the IRS, debt collectors, and federal law enforcement agencies
-panoramic beach views from the jail's second floor observation vestibule
-meals of exotic fish, plankton, and snails caught daily by the jail's
sea-bed scraping machine.

Concept artist sought to explode the original
penitentiary model to accommodate the modern debtor on-the-go with the
addition of several yoga studios per floor—each boasts a 20 foot
ceiling and reinforced walls to ensure acoustic nirvana, a vast
library of feminist and avant-garde literature set in a
mahogany-paneled chamber equipped with burnished leather wingback
chairs, and two movie theaters (one arthouse and one revival) with
full bars and a patisserie.

"Debtors can make incremental payments by participating in the Plabnox
system—it's basically a new social contract," remarks Prosperina
Swinnard, the helmsbeing of the project, who, at the moment, rests
supine in a recumbent chair behind a furry desk. "Each yoga
class appearance, each feminist tome read, each film screening
attended knocks a chunk off your debt. It's a remarkable prison,
really." Life sounds positively heavenly at the Plabnox Debtors'
Prison and Resort.

But wait, there's a catch. Every eventide, when the clock tower—set
upon the seventh hole on the golf course—tolls seven and the raven
singeth his lonely dirge, the prison holds a required wine and/or
cheese tasting. Punishment for not attending the tasting entails a
vigorous deep tissue or hot stone massage—depending on the caprice of
the prison warden and the severity of the infraction. E.g., Truancy
from a European wine tasting paired with American cheeses would
warrant a 15 minute hot stone spa treatment, but absence from a German
sparkling wine tasting without cheese may incur a 60 minute full body,
deep tissue kneading.

If you're not yet convinced, take a moment to view the promotional
video below (with sound) and the artistic renderings above & below by the prison
resort's brain, Dr. Swinnard.

Plabnox Christian Post: Cat Christmas Carols

Plabnox Cures blushes to present the world's first release of Christmas carol music videos performed by gentile cats. Below is a sample of just one of the 826 music videos you will be able to enjoy each holiday season with the purchase of the limited special edition DVD box set, on sale for 149 tithes at plablognox.blogspot.com. The holy trinity of three bonus discs includes production notes, outtakes, and interviews with some of the feline starlets. It's a great stocking stuffer!

Below: "O Holy Night" performed by Jas Pere, directed by Ridley Scott.

A Plabnox Christmas: Noam Chomsky's Wishlist

No one loves to consume more than Noam Chomsky. This year, Noam has given Plabnox Cures a sneak preview of his wishlist, which he will distribute to family and friends at Thanksgiving dinner.

1. A new Lexus

2. A trip to the south of France

3. Season tickets to the Metropolitan Opera

4. A pound of truffles

5. A supine trip up Mount Everest on the backs of Sherpas

6. A manatee

7. A castle

8. An iPhone

9. A speedboat

10. A shopping spree at Hermès

11. A diamond tiara

12. Iraq (first choice) or Pakistan (second choice)

Below: Noam Chomsky plans to go hog-wild at his local shopping mall on Black Friday.

Christmas Gift Ideas for your Cat

Due to the plummeting economy, many cost-conscious shoppers are scaling back their holiday purchases this year. To help our readers stay within their cat budgets, we suggest two inexpensive gifts that are popular with felines this season.

1. Tetris (below): Tetris is experiencing a resurgence within the cat demographic. Even though your furred friend hasn't asked for it by name, Tetris is surely on his or her holiday wishlist.









2. Noam Chomsky paraphernalia (below): It's no secret that cats love Noam, and now they can experience him intimately over and over again with the purchase of his dvd series, which includes lectures delivered abroad, and at Harvard and MIT.

Plabnox Cures’ Twelve-Step Programs Series Presents…Artificial Sweeteners Anonymous

Dr. Peter Perofovich, in a recent conversation with his colleague, Dr. Prosperina Swinnard, revealed that he has been struggling to kick the Splenda habit. Swinnard, a recent disciple of Artificial Sweeteners Anonymous, had phoned Perofovich in order to complete step nine of the program and apologize for the effect her Splenda intake had had on their friendship and professional relationship. Dr. Perofovich was impressed by Swinnard’s dietary journey and decided to give the program a whirl. The twelve steps have been printed below, with permission from Plabnox Cures, Inc.

1.We admitted we were powerless over Splenda—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a natural, unrefined sugar greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our menus over to the care of Plabnox Cures as we understand It.

4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of our artificially sweetened ingestion.

5. Admitted to Plabnox Cures, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have Plabnox Cures remove all these defects on our grocery lists.

7. Humbly asked Plabnox to remove our dietary shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed in our abuse of Splenda, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would fatten them or others.

10. Continued to take inventory of our vittles and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through raw sugar and organic honey to improve our conscious contact with Plabnox Cures as we understand It, praying only for knowledge of Its Will for our snacks and the power to compose those snacks.

12. Having had a comestible awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Splenda users, and to practice these restrictions in all our repasts.

Plabnox Cures Votes Yes on Proposition 826

Above: The current patchwork of American property rights. The schism in the center represents the inclusion of white men in the definition of property holders.

SOUTH DAKOTA – Plabnox Cures endorses Proposition 826, the South Dakota ballot initiative to deny property rights to white males. The initiative, which prohibits white males from holding, transferring, inheriting, or exchanging property, has been backed by various minority groups, and Plabnox Cures doctors have recently announced their intent to make a donation to the initiative, to the tune of 5 million wildcat notes. At Plabnox’s South Dakota headquarters, we met with the trio of medical specialists to find out why Prop. 826 resonates with them.

“Just because I have friends who are white males doesn’t mean I have to support them holding property,” states Dr. Peter Perofovich as he reclines on his examining table. “I mean, women, African-Americans, Latinos, and Asian-Americans have a hallowed tradition of property ownership. Each one of those groups contributes something valuable to property ownership. Ergo, white males should not have property rights.”

We caught Dr. Prosperina Swinnard filling bottles of narcotics, and discovered her apathy on the issue. “I’m not a white male and I don’t know any white males, so it’s not really my battle. I could go either way on the issue, really—if some states want to give white males property rights but slap a different name on those rights, that would be fine with me. It would remind white men of their fundamental difference from the rest of us.” She pauses to pocket a few pills. “And even though some people are calling property ownership a discriminatory and exclusionary institution, I will continue to own property even if Prop. 826 passes. My parents proudly continued to send me to a segregated school despite the criticism of their activist friends, and my great-great-grandparents refused to support the abolitionists during the Civil War because they weren’t slaves. There’s a respected custom of inaction in my family, and I’m not about to abandon that heritage.”

Dr. Sister Dosky, a notorious recluse with strong opinions, tried to avoid an interview, but she relented when we agreed to visit her private room out back. She spoke to us between cigars, “Jesus always said, ‘Love the sinner but hate the sin.’ It’s well-known that white men have a history of abusing property rights. This isn’t the best example, but take Christopher Columbus. Don’t get me wrong—he was a great man, a man of real integrity. But he just didn’t know how to keep his lawn cut. He was always letting it grow wild. His land ownership was a blight on land ownership for all.” Dr. Dosky adjusts her morphine drip, “ Allowing white males to hold property threatens the moral fabric of American society. If they really want to have property rights, they can always get sex reassignment surgery.”

It is unclear what will happen to the small pockets of property currently owned by white males, should Proposition 826 pass. Some legal scholars predict that it will transfer to their minority children, parents, or spouses. Others prognosticate that the property will revert to the state, to be divvied up among various social service programs.

Columbia’s Butler Library Lays Siege to Provost’s Office

Above: Butler Library lawn at Columbia University. A peaceful morning gave birth to a bloodbath when librarians opened fire shortly after their lunch hour.

NEW YORK, N. Y. – Columbia librarians, after stalled budgetary negotiations, launched an artillery attack on the Provost’s Office Friday afternoon. Preceding the incursion, the librarians had issued reports to the university newspaper that the Provost was hoarding donations of massive proportion. Subject specialists at Butler rallied to the cause, and all agreed that military action against the Financial Office could not wait for approval from Facilities and Planning. Meanwhile, work study students at the Agricultural Library have been recruited in the surge against the Visual and Performing Arts professors. According to one library source, future talks with the Visual and Performing Arts professors will not take place without preconditions.

Below: Librarians reload ammo using an operating manual from Columbia's course reserves.