No one loves to consume more than Noam Chomsky. This year, Noam has given Plabnox Cures a sneak preview of his wishlist, which he will distribute to family and friends at Thanksgiving dinner.
1. A new Lexus 2. A trip to the south of France 3. Season tickets to the Metropolitan Opera 4. A pound of truffles 5. A supine trip up Mount Everest on the backs of Sherpas 6. A manatee
7. A castle 8. An iPhone 9. A speedboat 10. A shopping spree at Hermès 11. A diamond tiara
12. Iraq (first choice) or Pakistan (second choice) Below: Noam Chomsky plans to go hog-wild at his local shopping mall on Black Friday.
Due to the plummeting economy, many cost-conscious shoppers are scaling back their holiday purchases this year. To help our readers stay within their cat budgets, we suggest two inexpensive gifts that are popular with felines this season.
1. Tetris (below): Tetris is experiencing a resurgence within the cat demographic. Even though your furred friend hasn't asked for it by name, Tetris is surely on his or her holiday wishlist.
2. Noam Chomsky paraphernalia (below): It's no secret that cats love Noam, and now they can experience him intimately over and over again with the purchase of his dvd series, which includes lectures delivered abroad, and at Harvard and MIT.
Dr. Peter Perofovich, in a recent conversation with his colleague, Dr. Prosperina Swinnard, revealed that he has been struggling to kick the Splenda habit. Swinnard, a recent disciple of Artificial Sweeteners Anonymous, had phoned Perofovich in order to complete step nine of the program and apologize for the effect her Splenda intake had had on their friendship and professional relationship. Dr. Perofovich was impressed by Swinnard’s dietary journey and decided to give the program a whirl. The twelve steps have been printed below, with permission from Plabnox Cures, Inc.
1.We admitted we were powerless over Splenda—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a natural, unrefined sugar greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our menus over to the care of Plabnox Cures as we understand It.
4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of our artificially sweetened ingestion.
5. Admitted to Plabnox Cures, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have Plabnox Cures remove all these defects on our grocery lists.
7. Humbly asked Plabnox to remove our dietary shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed in our abuse of Splenda, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would fatten them or others.
10. Continued to take inventory of our vittles and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through raw sugar and organic honey to improve our conscious contact with Plabnox Cures as we understand It, praying only for knowledge of Its Will for our snacks and the power to compose those snacks.
12. Having had a comestible awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Splenda users, and to practice these restrictions in all our repasts.
Above: The current patchwork of American property rights. The schism in the center represents the inclusion of white men in the definition of property holders.
SOUTH DAKOTA – Plabnox Cures endorses Proposition 826, the South Dakota ballot initiative to deny property rights to white males. The initiative, which prohibits white males from holding, transferring, inheriting, or exchanging property, has been backed by various minority groups, and Plabnox Cures doctors have recently announced their intent to make a donation to the initiative, to the tune of 5 million wildcat notes. At Plabnox’s South Dakota headquarters, we met with the trio of medical specialists to find out why Prop. 826 resonates with them.
“Just because I have friends who are white males doesn’t mean I have to support them holding property,” states Dr. Peter Perofovich as he reclines on his examining table. “I mean, women, African-Americans, Latinos, and Asian-Americans have a hallowed tradition of property ownership. Each one of those groups contributes something valuable to property ownership. Ergo, white males should not have property rights.”
We caught Dr. Prosperina Swinnard filling bottles of narcotics, and discovered her apathy on the issue. “I’m not a white male and I don’t know any white males, so it’s not really my battle. I could go either way on the issue, really—if some states want to give white males property rights but slap a different name on those rights, that would be fine with me. It would remind white men of their fundamental difference from the rest of us.” She pauses to pocket a few pills. “And even though some people are calling property ownership a discriminatory and exclusionary institution, I will continue to own property even if Prop. 826 passes. My parents proudly continued to send me to a segregated school despite the criticism of their activist friends, and my great-great-grandparents refused to support the abolitionists during the Civil War because they weren’t slaves. There’s a respected custom of inaction in my family, and I’m not about to abandon that heritage.”
Dr. Sister Dosky, a notorious recluse with strong opinions, tried to avoid an interview, but she relented when we agreed to visit her private room out back. She spoke to us between cigars, “Jesus always said, ‘Love the sinner but hate the sin.’ It’s well-known that white men have a history of abusing property rights. This isn’t the best example, but take Christopher Columbus. Don’t get me wrong—he was a great man, a man of real integrity. But he just didn’t know how to keep his lawn cut. He was always letting it grow wild. His land ownership was a blight on land ownership for all.” Dr. Dosky adjusts her morphine drip, “ Allowing white males to hold property threatens the moral fabric of American society. If they really want to have property rights, they can always get sex reassignment surgery.”
It is unclear what will happen to the small pockets of property currently owned by white males, should Proposition 826 pass. Some legal scholars predict that it will transfer to their minority children, parents, or spouses. Others prognosticate that the property will revert to the state, to be divvied up among various social service programs.
Above: Butler Library lawn at Columbia University. A peaceful morning gave birth to a bloodbath when librarians opened fire shortly after their lunch hour.
NEW YORK, N. Y. – Columbia librarians, after stalled budgetary negotiations, launched an artillery attack on the Provost’s Office Friday afternoon. Preceding the incursion, the librarians had issued reports to the university newspaper that the Provost was hoarding donations of massive proportion. Subject specialists at Butler rallied to the cause, and all agreed that military action against the Financial Office could not wait for approval from Facilities and Planning. Meanwhile, work study students at the Agricultural Library have been recruited in the surge against the Visual and Performing Arts professors. According to one library source, future talks with the Visual and Performing Arts professors will not take place without preconditions.
Below: Librarians reload ammo using an operating manual from Columbia's course reserves.
12. Iraq (first choice) or Pakistan (second choice)
