Sunday, June 1, 2008

Plabnox Presents: Judge Croc’s Movie Trailer Reviews

Plabnox Cures v. Hancock Trailer
By Hesta; Opinion delivered by Judge Croc

Below: The honorable Judge Croc, here, emerging from his chambers, presided over the landmark case.

The below testimony was admitted during a hearing regarding poorly-conducted whale research for the Hancock movie trailer.

Me: I Hate Hancock. What is going on with the whale preview? To refresh your memory, in it Will Smith hurls a beached whale back into the ocean. The whale is airborne for 1-2 miles, which infuriated me because that would kill a whale. The reason beached whales die is their internal organs are crushed by gravity’s pull when they are out of water. Ergo, hurling a whale so that it flips over a dozen times is going to wreak further damage, not save it. It’s so phallic and absurd. I can't get over it. Who was in charge of researching whale biology? Have you seen the preview of which I speak?

Touchhole [Plab’s Industry Insider]: I have indeed. It kind of bothered me the first time, but then I got over it

Me: Did the whale part specifically bother you, and, if so, why did it bother you?

Touchhole: It did because not only does he HURL it out into the ocean, it hits a sail boat

Me: I didn't see that. Why is that funny/heroic? Is he an anti-hero? Why couldn’t he just use his strength to slide the whale into the water?

Touchhole: Because it's not cinematic.

Me: Why does it have to be a phallic demonstration of power? It’s so annoying.

Touchhole: LOL

Me: It could be cinematic if they had used a close-up of the whale, or the tidal life or Will's effort in pushing. The shot could have mimicked childbirth, but instead it is just ridiculous and grotesque and abusive. It raised my blood pressure for 35 minutes or so

Touchhole: Wow. I think you're taking it a little personal [sic].

Me: I am because it’s so thoughtless. I want to know who greenlighted it, and I want to know now

Touchhole: AMY PASCAL

Me: Of Sony?

Touchhole: Yes

Me: Yyyep. What a noug. Who did the research? It is a common fact that that act would do more harm to a whale than help.

Touchhole: No one. But, I happen to know someone who works with Will Smith on his productions and would be happy to forward a letter to her regarding this issue

Me: Well, all I can do is post it to Plab and then you can jump in a fwd it, but be sure to cc me on it.

Touchhole: I can't have this conversation with you right now. I will call later to discuss.

JUDGE CROC'S OPINION: As the defendant Hancock has failed to meet its burden of evidence in the whale biology area, I find a verdict in favor of the plaintiff, Plabnox Cures. Judge Croc rules Hancock is hereby sentenced to an ironic death via pressing*.

*Crushing of the internal organs.

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