Stuff Plabnox Likes: #1 – Personalized Private Property

There is certainly nothing more pleasant in life than returning to the City of Brotherly Love after a weekend sojourn in New York and finding that Philly’s denizens have left their special mark on one of your possessions. Their latest parody of Lockean property values left me chortling for hours.

Below: Stills of the satirical performance art.

Physical Examination of a Cat

Every cat owner dreads it. The annual feline physical exam can be an emotionally trying time for both the cat and the human overlord. To avoid the anxiety that inevitably accompanies a trip to the vet, Plabnox's team of doctors have designed a simple exam that can be conducted at home by the average cat owner.



Below: Dr. Prosperina Swinnard (Plab School of Medicine, 2004) conducts the reflex test on patient J, with mixed results.

Plabnox’s Guide to New York’s Lower East Side

I THINK HESTA MEANS THE EAST VILLAGE.

By Hesta

This past weekend I decided to relinquish the creature comforts of my Philadelphia apartment and visit in New York City. had generously extended an invitation to assist him in moving from his trendy apartment to a studio with an oblique floor blocks away—at no cost to me. Little did I know what luxuriant accommodations awaited. No sooner had I arrived chez than he invited me to squat with him on his unadorned mattress and view several Futurama episodes which were showing on his ad hoc projection system comprising a Dell computer and a mouse (sans mousepad) set on the floor. I was delighted to find the bathroom bereft of soap and ornamented with a fine layer of his ex-roommate’s hair sheddings. At crepuscule, showed me to my room, which, economically, was where I had sat for the Futurama screenings just minutes earlier. I was given a pillow from the sofa and a fitted sheet in lieu of a blanket, to ward off the night drafts. himself took the dust ruffle and the other sofa pillow.

Dawn heralded moving day, and we accepted the doorman’s challenge when he informed us the elevator would be out of order for the duration of the move. Cleaning duties were assigned: wrestled with the bathroom; I employed a gerbil-sized “Dirt Devil” and used its one-inch square nozzle to vacuum his roommate’s abjections in her spacious boudoir. Whilst I sprouted a hunchback, packed most of his belongings in Hefty’s stylish luggage line of black garbage bags. We headed due north to U-Haul’s headquarters, where they outfitted with a boxy moving van. The necessary paperwork was signed, and we buckled into the mastodon, tuning into the local AM gospel radio station to transport us spiritually and physically to our destination.

Below: U-Haul's powerful marketing campaign

Below: U-Haul's President, Joe, poses in various emotional states

Our return to the apartment was thwarted by a police blockade positioned strategically at the entrance to one-way street. After we circled the block like a falcon, our gypsy informant told us that we should simply back down the street. In order to alert other drivers of our plan, I lowered my window and began shouting, “We’re going to park our car! We’re backing down the street!! OOGA OOGA OOGA!” This allowed others to plan for an alternative route of travel while we monopolized the roadway. As we exited the monstrosity, which we plopped in front of a fire hydrant, the gypsy accosted us and offered his services. We foolishly turned him down, and went up for the first load. When we came back down, the cops were waiting for us at the van, all two of them. attempted to exculpate himself while I placed a surly expression upon my visage and hovered nearby. Since the police denied him counsel, presented his defense pro se. The charge was use of a U-Haul for advertising purposes while obstructing access to a fire hydrant. Before the defendant could deliver his closing statement, however, the inaptly named law enforcement officers reached a verdict and sentenced him to a parking ticket. fully intends to appeal the tribunal’s ruling on a procedural basis, weaving a passionate tale of the erosion of constitutional rights in the American legal system.

After the injustice, we labored for minutes loading up the van. discovered that, like using a dolly, invoking the Continental Shelf reduced some of the load when carrying the garbage bags (see illustration below).



Below: Diagram of the Continental Shelf





Later, fortune smiled on us with an auspicious cat sighting in the window of the clairvoyant who conducts business beneath new manor. The new neighbors must have hearkened to our moans—or caught our scent on the air— as we heaved his belongings up three flights, for the tenant from across the hall came by and introduced herself to a ripe and glistening .

Later, guided by principles of feng shui, we unleashed our decorating powers on the apartment: we placed bare pallet in the center of the room and surrounded it by the black Hefty bags. The arrangement resembles idolatrous worshippers dancing around the altar of a pagan god, or the attraction to the monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey, or the Weird Sisters circling a cauldron and conjuring Hecate. In order to show off our home decorating efforts, we invited S, a chanteuse from Brooklyn, to spend the night.

Below: furnished apartment after we bestowed our interior decorating gifts upon it


We lured S to the place with promises of a sumptuous mac and cheese repast. However, our ruse was exposed when the gas stove did not turn on. Our undoing led us straight to a wine bar, where we befriended the waitress and then left her a 1% tip. Our charitable act whetted our appetites, so we entered the nearest greasy spoon. After we were seated, we found, to our dismay, that the menu did not offer cheese fries. Not wanting to compromise the integrity of our food craving, we swept out and on to the next dining establishment, which had more cheese-friendly offerings. After we ordered a trio of grilled cheeses, and I excused ourselves to the single-toilet lavatory, where, once inside, we shouted at the first person who knocked, “We’re never leaving!” Back at the table, S and I engaged in a fencing match with French fries, while played the role of spectator and ingested the remaining fries. At that point, it was time for me to launch a pickle across the restaurant, which the manager witnessed impassively. Sated, we returned to pad and transformed the mattress into a dance floor, bouncing and crooning to Stevie, Celine, and MJ. At 3 AM we screened when the BOUGH BReaKS, starring Ted Danson. Always a gentleman, let S and I share the fitted sheet while he took the dust ruffle. The only low point in the night was when, after we had all dozed off, the DVD returned to its “menu” setting and cycled various quotes from the movie, including “I’m Dr. Delaware, a psychologist” and “You’re going to blow this case, and me, right out of the water!!” This induced S to cry out, “HELLO!” to the rest of us on the mattress, followed by, “Can someone turn that off!” Paralyzed by when the BOUGH BReaKS’ menu montage, S was unable to reach six inches across the floor to turn off the DVD. “Yes,” I screeched, “It’s a nightmare!” saved himself from a potential contretemps by suavely turning off the sound.

Ted Danson Artist Renditions

Featured below are two splendid artist renditions of the notorious persona Dr. Delaware, the child psychologist played by acting virtuoso Ted Danson in the award-winning television cinematic spectacle, when the BOUGH BReaKS (1986). If interested, please submit your offer to plablognox@gmail.com

HESTA
American Contemporary
The Amorphous Gullet of Danson

Microsoft Paint
15 km x 12 hands
Edition: unlimited
2008

Cineaste's Corner: "when the BOUGH BReaKS"

A Plabnox Collaboration

Best known for portraying characters with below-average intelligence, Ted Danson, thespian, demonstrates a truly protean acting ability in the inexplicably titled 1986 TV film, when the BOUGH BReaKS. It is no surprise that the film itself; a byzantine tale of a retired child psychologist’s (Mr. Danson’s) mission to solve the mystery surrounding a ring of pedophilic white males, an Asian woman, a Latino family, and a car chase; received several accolades from the television industry: a nomination for Outstanding Achievement in Cinematography in Mini-Series or Specials and a win—the prestigious Edgar Allan Poe Award for Best Television Feature or Miniseries.

The picture features a daring plotlike concoction of completely unrelated elements. Mr. Danson, as the former child psychologist Dr. Delaware, has retired from his profession because of a traumatic experience involving a clan of murderous pedophiles. It is unclear just how the good doctor was mixed up in the scenario, but he seems to suffer recurrent nightmares from the experience (Director Waris Hussein left ambiguous whether the “nightmares” are actual nightmares or mere memories). Early one morning, Dr. Delaware’s be-moustached cop buddy appears without warning behind Dr. Delaware's refrigerator, wearing dark sunglasses.

Above: The moustache's first appearance in the film.

In this kitchen scene, the moustache obtains a slice of pepperoni pizza, which magically transmutes to cheese as he munches on it. The moustache haggles Dr. Delaware into examining a young lass who suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder but may know something about the gang of middle-aged pedophiles. The girl gives Mr. Danson no information, but he does write her a new prescription, thus violating his professional ethics.

Somehow, this interaction brings Dr. Delaware to an elementary school, where he abandons his much-professed love for children by roughly shoving them aside in order to reach a young, comely Latina schoolteacher.

Above: Dr. Delaware, renowned child psychologist, mindlessly mows down schoolchildren in an effort to perform a mating dance for a toothsome schoolmarm.

Here the director weaves in yet another plot when we realize that Mr. Danson is not after information regarding a child, but inquiring about a deceased adult friend of the schoolteacher. Dr. Delaware finds himself roped into the Latino community, and he visits the dead woman’s mother, whom he addresses as “Senor.”

Above: Dr. Delaware and "Senor" Vargas.

For unexplained reasons, he steals a clearly empty, transparent cassette case from the dead woman’s belongings (after parading the belongings outside and examining the tape case), fights with her surviving brothers, and then later is surprised and dismayed when he realizes the case did not contain a tape.

Above: Dr. Delaware's multiple examinations of the empty cassette case.

A car chase ensues, and the sound editor makes an avant-garde choice by purposely dubbing a voice over of unintelligible garble from Mr. Danson into a shot of his pursuer (a motorcyclist clothed entirely in black) from Mr. Danson’s point of view.

Above: Chase scene with dubbed voice over of unintelligible exclamations of panic: "Gam Geet!"

Dr. Delaware gathers more information by donning extra-wide reading glasses and going through some legal files. The implication of this scene is that the glasses (which extend 2 inches past his skull on either side) expedite the process by providing a panoramic view for the wearer (here, Mr. Danson).

Above: Delaware's panoramic spectacles.

The moustached cop warns Dr. Delaware that he is getting in over his head in a heated argument at the police station. Mr. Danson conveys Dr. Delaware’s inner conflict by fluctuating timidly between direct address (looking at the camera) and staying in character. Mr. Danson becomes so agitated that his voice suddenly stops emitting shouts as his mouth keeps moving furiously. After the moustache erupts for the last time, he exits the scene by waxing so close to the camera that we can discern the gaping pores on his shiny temple.

Above: Delaware and the moustache spar at police headquarters.

Later, we discover that the moustache is gay, in an isolated dinner party scene involving Dr. Delaware, the moustache, and the moustache’s partner. The moustache appears to be upset about this and irritated by his subsequent treatment in the force, yet the issue is dropped almost as soon as it emerges in the plot and left unresolved . The only other allusion to the gay theme is the homoerotic two-shot of Ted Danson and the moustache on the DVD’s cover.

Eventually, being embroiled in a web of no fewer than five or six plots proves too much for Dr. Delaware to bear. He begins to crack after wrestling with a man in his home gym—Mr. Danson compellingly transforms his face into a leathery mask of quadruple chins set with sunken, yet bulging orbs—and waving his arm irrationally while speaking with a paraplegic university professor.

Above: Dr. Delaware, due to his burgeoning madness, flaps his left arm.

Above: Danson paints a harrowing portrait of angst and fear.

Finally, after the good doctor meets with an Asian woman during her first appearance in the film, a pedophile appears out of nowhere and Dr. Delaware bursts into tears. Mr. Danson elects, ironically, to rest the weight of both his character’s sorrows and his body on the tip of the gun he presses into the ground. The moustache materializes suddenly, and the cops arrive, but not before stopping to pick up the schoolteacher to bring her to the crime scene with which she has no relation.

Above: The chilling climax of the film.

Further Highlights from when the BOUGH BReaKS:

Above: The most frequently repeated line in the film: "I'm Dr. Delaware."

Above: In the film's opening scene, Dr. Delaware's extremely puffy hair and dark, furrowed brow signal agitation.

Above: The calm before the storm: Dr. Delaware's hair, relaxed and fancy free, lazes in a hammock.

Above: As Dr. Delaware unravels, his fleshy neck responds by rippling and folding over itself.

Above: The only Continental Shelf to appear in the film.

Above: A crazed and lipless Dr. Delaware.

Above: Dr. Delaware executes the challenging grasshopper maneuver.

Above: Ted Danson conveys shock.

Above: In order to assert his dominance over a Latino man, Dr. Delaware conquers the man's house by raising his leg authoritatively and placing his crotch at the man's eye level.

Above: As his interest in the case rises, so does Dr. Delaware's squatting figure.

Above: Dr. Delaware's hair strikes a whimsical pose when in the company of a child.

Above: The famous gun scene-Ted Danson supports his character's weight solely on the tip of his gun.

Job Hunt

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to express my bloodlust for the administrative assistant position with your company. Many months have passed since I trapped gainful employment and I feel this position will succumb to my resume like a winded quarry to a hunter’s rifle.

For your convenience, I have attached the carcasses of my prior catches to this missive and bivouacked outside of your office. Please look hard for me, for I am wholly encased in camouflage gear.

Sincerely yours,

Hesta

The Great Escape Family Portrait Studio

The family portrait subculture is buzzing about The Great Escape Family Portrait Studio. This newcomer to the market approaches the traditional style of family portraiture with the boldness of a shark attack and the iconoclasm of Thoreau. Tucked away in the mountains of New York, the unassuming portrait studio houses a full-size roller coaster, on which subjects ride so the photographer can capture a family in spontaneous, exhilarating motion. The theory driving this new method is that the speeding, careening movement of the vehicle will roil buried character traits, causing them to erupt on the subjects’ countenances and then be captured on film (see image below).

Below: A family of four experiences the photogenic revelation that is The Great Escape Family Portrait Studio (click for larger image).