Thursday, June 11, 2009

Plabnox Doctors Seek Employment

Attention HR managers! The esteemed Drs. and Prosperina Swinnard are seeking employment. Below, please find our résumés. Contact us at to begin the hiring process. N.B. only the first 15,000 responses will be answered.

Dr. Prosperina Swinnard
88 North 25th Street #4
Philadelphia, PA 19130
(008) 226-7122

Professional Experience

October 2004-June 2006: Spaulding High School (Barre, VT)
A/V Lady
-Acquired film titles for library and managed audio-visual equipment
-Proven leadership in expanding 30 minute lunch breaks into 90 minute affairs encompassing sexual intercourse in the cemetery of an adjacent town followed by creemees
-Consistency in arriving late to work by at least 25 minutes each day
-Ability to drive 65 mph to work in a 25 mph zone without being apprehended by police
-Skilled in taking multiple snack breaks throughout the work day

Summer 2005: The Gap (Burlington, VT)
Sales Associate
-Eagerly avoided customers at every opportunity
-Fluent in heaving sighs and producing disgruntled expressions
-Sought seated and sedentary work with energy and motivation
-Innovated the vanishing method of quitting by showing up for a shift with boyfriend parked outside with getaway car, acquiring last paycheck, and “going to the bank”—never to return again

July 2006-August 2007: Clarke Galleries (Stowe, VT)
Gallery Manager
-Skilled in keeping Firefox tabs in a work:leisure ratio of 1:20
-Gained experience in tactics of belligerence and insubordination
-Developed antagonistic relationships with gallery manager and all male clients
-Assumed new responsibilities begrudgingly and after lengthy negotiations which involved questioning and deconstructing hierarchies of power
-Constructed hand-crafted cardboard shipping boxes for multimillion dollar works of art out of a 15’ x 20’ x 8’ mound of scrap packing materials

September 2000-Present: Plabnox Cures (the world)
-Authoring and designing a wide array of posts concerning social, cultural, political, and scholarly issues
-Virtuosic in self-congratulation

Other Interests and Skills:
Does not multi-task. Is not a team player. Borderline personality with comorbid hysteria, high level of anxiety, and antisocial and sociopathic traits. Types 72 wpm. Experience with Word, psychotic breaks, Excel, and illicit behavior.

References available upon request.

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