Obama’s Order: Panic

Since the advent of hog flu (the cutest flu), Obama has calmly instructed his subjects, “Now is not the time to panic.” However, the order came today when Obama ascended the podium at a press conference to address the single hog flu-related death in the U.S. and immediately became wan, covered in perspiration, and nauseous. Slumped over the microphone, he commenced heavy breathing before fleeing the briefing room in order to hyperventilate into a paper bag, sip Coca-Cola Classic, and nibble saltines.

As a result of this development, Plabnox Cures has raised its alert level to 47, which is a creamy shade of ecru.