An Inaugural Tale

Only a day after the inauguration, Plabnox Cures is on the scene, providing the latest coverage. The inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama cost $170 million, most of which went to light apps. The remaining funds paid for various Christian prayers, homilies, and sermons, which were delivered unto the people. John Williams composed a piece for the occasion. Rumors had drifted about that he would have Yo-Yo Ma and the other musicians perform his renowned Jaws theme, but at the last minute, he photocopied some Copland compositions which he passed around to the performers. Obama’s speech, supported only by citations from the Scriptures (a bibliography distributed beforehand listed only one source, the Bible), mesmerized the masses. One point four million people attended, 12,000 of whom were cats.

In preparation for the inauguration, Obama held a cat-studded event in D.C. on Sunday: notable feline celebrities included Sir Smokey, Nobleman Ned, Jasper the Jester, Maid Maui and Monsieur Meatball. The first openly gay cat, Tigger, spoke at the festivities, but his speech was cut from HBO's broadcast of the event.

At gloaming on January 20, Obama was transported to twelve balls in a glittering carriage. However, the first and last balls went unreported by most news agencies as Obama’s officials banned mention of them in all publications, except those of Plabnox Cures. The new president kicked the night off at the Female Issues and Drag Ball.

Before the ball began, Obama realized, as he swept the cinders of the fireplace in his hotel room, he had nothing to wear. His assistant got in contact with Magic Wand Agency, and a fairy lawmother arrived at the hotel within the hour. Her name was Billary, and her pantsuits were eternally wrinkle-free. She strode into Obama’s room and flung a garment bag on the bed.

“Gwan— open it, my child,” she ordered. Obama unzipped the sack, and withdrew the most beautiful gown he had ever seen. It sparkled like a newly ejected placenta.

“What is it made from?” he asked.

“It was spun over ten years by hundreds of homosexuals, from the flesh of dead pregnant women, and then embellished with the tears of pregnant teenagers.”

Obama pressed the folds to his face, and hastened to dress. When he arrived at the ball, he spoke endlessly to the guests in impressionistic, quasi-biblical rhetoric, about the end of racism and the beauty of his gown. However, the female and LGBT crowd soon grew weary of his backward-looking tales and tore his gown to shreds. Fleeing the ball, he met Billary at the local pub.

“What happened to your gown?” she rasped.

“I decided I don’t like women or gay people, so I ripped it off” Obama lied. Yet, he had eleven more balls to attend, and the next ten were the Balls of the Plebs, for which he now had nothing to wear.

“What will I do, fairy lawmother?” he cried.

Billary motioned to the bartender, who brought out a great gift box with a fabric bow. Obama feverishly opened it. Inside lay a papyrus-colored gown that rustled like the pages of a newly printed Bible. Obama clutched at the material, and asked, “What is it made from?”

“From the parts of dead trees and the words of dead men,” she exhaled.

Obama immediately donned the gown and rushed off to the ten Balls of the Plebs, where he did not need to speak because he was received like a savior. When the clock struck eleven, however, Billary sidled over to him and said, “Your gown needs to be returned to the local evangelical church in five minutes. Hand it over.” Obama reluctantly surrendered the dress. Naked, he realized he had nothing to wear to the last fête, the War Criminals Ball.

“What will I wear?”

“Don’t worry,” Billary hacked, “I have the perfect gown.” She led Obama out to the parking lot, where she retrieved a soiled paper bag from a loitering ho-bo. She thrust it at the president, who removed and immediately put on a gown of unspeakable radiance. The lustrous cloth melted in swirls of gold, red, and black as Obama pirouetted around the parking lot .

“This is the most beautiful gown of all!” he shrieked. “What is it made from?”

“It was woven from the limbs of Iraqi civilians, the flayed skin of Palestinians, the blood of slaughtered Nigerians, and the oil of Chevron. And it is studded with tiny chips from mortar shells.”

Obama arrived at the War Criminals Ball* not a moment too soon. He was greeted by Bush and Cheney, who had hesitated to attend until secret wiretapping confirmed that the gala was genuine, and not merely a decoy to secure their arrest for war crimes, including the genocide of one million Iraqi civilians under the false pretenses of an illegally-waged war. The former president and vice president wore the same gown as Obama, but everyone agreed that Obama’s was the most spellbinding as it had the ring of truth.

*Drs. Perofovich and Swinnard gained access to the ball by disguising themselves as Idi Amin and Adolf Hitler, both of whom were on the guest list.