Wednesday, February 13, 2008

This Just In...

Female Health Alert: Spotlight on Vagina Dentata
By: Hesta

The blockbuster sensation Teeth has drawn some much-needed attention to the female condition known as the vagina dentata—“toothed vagina.” School officials have noticed that this mutation, as documented by Michel Lichtenstein’s movie, has been cropping up among teenage girls. These femmes fatales have been decimating virile pubescent boys in spades by employing their mercenary genitalia in lopping off male members. However, there is a beacon of hope for the human race, as orthodontists have been working day and night to tackle the problem. They have discovered that the feral monsters can be tamed with conventional devices like braces and headgear. Crest Whitestrips are now available for the vag dentata, and can be purchased over-the-counter at most pharmacies.

Below, find some illustrations of the various forms of the vagina dentata:

Below, left: Normal vagina dentata

Below, right:
Vagina dentata with discoloration, cavities, buck- and snaggleteeth

Below, left: Vagina dentata with braces

Below, right: Vagina dentata after 3 years of braces and 2 whitestrip treatmentsBook Review: The Voyeur by Alain Robbe-Grillet

By: Thorndike

The fifth Grove Press paperpack printing of The Voyeur by Alain Robbe-Grillet measures 209 millimeters long by 136 millimeters wide by 14 millimeters deep. The cover is printed on matte finish card stock. The front cover depicts, in cerulean and robin's egg blue tones, a female figure with one knee bent and placed upon a bed which is strewn with articles of clothing or sheets. There are four out-of-focus jalousie slats in the foreground of the scene. The title, printed in pale orange capital letters and oriented at an approximately 10-degree angle, is situated near the top center of the cover, and partially overlaps the uppermost jalousie slat. The author's name, colored and angled similarly but printed in smaller type, runs parallel to and is located 7 millimeters beneath the title.

The first title page reads "The Voyeur" within a 60 millimeter by 27 millimeter border of two concentric rectangles, separated by an approximately 1 millimeter intervening space. The main title page provides additional information (the author, the title, the translator, and the publisher) within a similar border that has a slightly larger interstice between the two rectangles. Each pairing of author/title and translator/publisher is divided by two parallel horizontal lines measuring 87 millimeters across, whereas the title and translator are separated by a single horizontal line measuring only 50 millimeters across.

The novel is divided into three chapters, measuring 73, 67, and 78 pages in length. Each chapter begins with a Roman numeral centered on a blank page. The opening text of each chapter begins 87 millimeters from the top of the page. The left margin is 12 millimeters and the right, 22 millimeters. Paragraph indentations are 5 millimeters. Pagination on the first text page of each chapter is centered and located 20 millimeters up from the bottom. Subsequent pages are numbered in the upper exterior corner of each page, and labeled with the author or title in the upper interior corner. The novel itself is 219 pages in length, preceded by 4 pages of information pertaining to the book's title, publisher, author, copyright, etc..., and followed by one blank page.

The back cover is robin's egg blue, with a 17-millimeter-wide vertical band of cerulean running along the left edge. Text on the back cover is written in black or cerulean lettering, depending upon the nature of the information offered by the text. The lower right corner of the back cover is printed with a 50 millimeter by 29 millimeter white rectangle, in which are printed ISBN numbers, a bar code, prices, etc...

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