Plabnox Cures: July 2009

It’s every parent’s worst nightmare: the blissful introduction of the male newborn into the home goes horribly awry when he gravitates toward the pink toys rather than the blue, lets his wrists go lax when lounging, prances more frequently than prowls, and emits a high-pitched mew instead of a baritone mrow. Dealing with the scourge of feline gender deviance is never easy, but cat owners need no longer need fret: Plabnox’s Drs. Swinnard and Perofovich have devised a program than enhances gender-ambivalent cats' chances at acceptance through the adoption of normative gender identities.

Case Study in Feline Gender Deviance: Jasper H.

Published by Drs. Swinnard and Perofovich

The subject, Jasper H., is a three-year-old male domestic shorthaired who presents with gender identity disorder, accompanied by comorbid narcissistic personality traits. Jasper’s parents have observed him performing obsessive preening rituals and gazing longingly at himself in the mirror. Preferring traditionally feminine toys rendered in magentas and purples and festooned with spangles, glitter, and bright plumage, Jasper avoids more subdued and manly furry toys in mottled browns and grays.

The subject’s psyche remains embroiled in an unresolved oedipal conflict, manifested by an overidentification with and incestuous feelings for his mother, and aggressive behavior toward his father. Jasper is wont to revisit the primal scene by invading his parents’ bed in the middle of the night. He brings to the bed his fluorescent pink mousie, itself a heavily cathected fetish object, (he displays his repetition compulsion through daily assault, disembowelment, and symbolic rape of the mousie). After dropping the fetish object upon his mother’s head, Jasper will attempt to (re)merge with the maternal body by licking her face, squatting on her, or purring into one of her orifices. In order to break Jasper’s identification with his mother and encourage identification with the father to correct his gender deviance, Drs. Swinnard and Perofovich recommended the subject’s parents immediately assume unyielding gender roles along a traditional male-female binary. Through training with a toilet brush and a parasol, Dr. Swinnard has been working with Jasper’s mother on the arts of domestic subservience and feminine frivolity. Jasper’s father has been assisted by Dr. Perofovich in the areas of abusive and domineering speech, wielding the phallus, brandishing the kitchen knife, and ingesting mammoth quantities of red meat.

Drs. Swinnard and Perofovich, after living with Jasper’s family for four months in order to effect 24-hour psychological surveillance of the subject, reproduce below the most alarming examples of Jasper’s flamboyant behavior.

Symptom 1: Flaccid wrists. Additional footage of Jasper's wrists can be viewed here.