The Jasper Lectures: Recession Commentary

Jasper, preeminent cat intellectual and recluse, has finally made a statement on the recession. He orated yesterday from his Philadelphia home to the small audience of Drs. Swinnard and Perofovich, and their camera crew. Plabnox is proud to present the first in a tripartite series titled, “The Jasper Lectures.” Forthcoming broadcasts will cover foreign policy and the healthcare and environmental crises.

Plabnox's Phallocentric Advice Column

You seem very touchy lately. Is it that time of the month again? I had a feeling when I woke up this morning that today was going to be your day.

Plabnox's Patriarchal Advice Column

I don't think you'll ever be safe from rage.

Plabnox Presents: The Poor Man's Silver Screen Collection

With the recession it seems like there is a bit less of everything to go around. That’s why Plabnox is releasing The Poor Man’s Silver Screen Collection, an emotionally affordable alternative to popular movies.

“When we envisioned the Poor Man’s DVD line,” explained Dr. Perofovich, “we were thinking about the working-class viewer on a shoestring budget—the film patron who can offer only a minimal intellectual investment,” finished Dr. Swinnard.

Below is a preview of the collection.

Sunset Boulevard

Norma Desmond, portrayed by Prosperina Swinnard, is an aging public access star who faces the neglect of her local TV station. Driven to madness, she ends up slashing the tires of the narrator, who is also her lover (Peter Perofovich).

Jaws

Bathers beware! A 3 foot-long sturgeon harasses swimmers in Cape Cod waters by mutilating beach balls and chewing through trawling nets. The film climaxes with a 7 minute fishing expedition in pursuit of the bony fish.

The Big Nap

Set in Barre, VT, The Big Nap contains aspects of noirish suspense and a teaspoon of sultry glamour. The aging patriarch of a successful family-owned maple syrup business hires a hard-boiled private detective (Penelope Ravioli) to investigate a recent bribe. Ravioli fans will love his cynical, jaded incarnation of the noir hero.

Below: Ravioli falls in love with the patriarch’s daughter and becomes embroiled in the sordid business of sap collecting and underground maple candy-related porn.

Psycho

Norman Bates (Peter Perofovich) runs a motel with his invalid mother (Sister Dosky). Late one evening, as the two quarrel over room rates, Marion Crane (Prosperina Swinnard), a buxom blonde with a history of unpaid parking tickets, arrives and requests a room. Norman shows her to her quarters. Almost immediately, she complains that there is no hot water. Norman investigates the shower, but can’t seem to discover the cause. Will Norman be able to repair the water-heating problem? Will Marion take a shower? You’ll have to buy the DVD to find out.

Below: Prosperina Swinnard receives direction for the pivotal shower scene, wherein she discovers there is no hot water.

Rear Window

James Perofovich is a Sears portrait photographer recovering from a paper cut in his New York studio apartment. With a lot of time on his hands, the incapacitated Perofovich begins to watch the activity in his neighbors’ apartments across the alley. Before long, he witnesses one neighbor steal another’s morning paper. He sends his girlfriend over to investigate in this voyeuristic thriller.

Below: James Perofovich milks his paper cut injury in order to elicit sympathy from the viewer and his girlfriend.

J

Traffic cops bungle their attempt to catch JM, a compulsive jaywalker, in a compelling representation of insanity (dir. Swinnard Lang).

Blue Velour

Sister Lynch directs this genre-bending bildungsroman that includes Frank, an Ibuprofen-abusing maniac; Dorothy Vallens, a femme fatale from Jersey; and Jeffrey Beaumont, a nondescript young male protagonist from suburbia. Things get dark when our protagonist discovers an eerie collection of nail clippings in the field on the outskirts of his town.

The Scarlet Empress

Marlene Swinnard becomes the empress of her local school board after her predecessor dies in the throes of childbirth. Josef von Dosky’s fetishistic cinematography captures Svengali Swinnard’s seductive manipulations of the other dimwitted board members in an effort to secure her municipal power.

Citizen Kane

In only 18 months, Kane skyrockets from sales associate to assistant manager at a Shaw’s supermarket in Brooklyn, but success comes with a price and Kane succumbs to a raging case of megalomania.

Gilda

A karaoke singer, a dive bar, well drinks, and Rita Swinnard. Need we say more?

Below: Rita Swinnard is unforgettable as Gilda.

Plabnox Cures Presents... A New Advice Column

Might not be a good idea to do school work on company time.