Plabnox Cures

Season-Neutral Carols

2009-12-08T06:46:00.000-08:00

Today marks the release of "Season-Neutral Carols" by Plabnox's respected doctors-cum-tunesmiths Prosperina Swinnard and . The album features 9 carols that can be enjoyed during any time of the year by listeners of all denominations.

Track Listing:

8. Rudolph the Sea Anemone

Work Nuggets

2009-11-12T09:25:00.000-08:00

4. Wish-fulfillment
At Rise: Dr. Swinnard has moved the half and half and sweetener bowls from the office into the kitchen. She is now rooted back at her desk. Chip Stanley, her boss, approaches her.

Chip Stanley: Thanks for clearing away the coffee residue from yesterday.
Dr. Swinnard: No problem.
Chip Stanley: You know, it's funny, when I went to the common press meeting last week at the Kirby Writers House, I walked in, and Hal Peanut's assistant, Janine, was in the kitchen making coffee and gathering buns [chuckles] and i thought to myself, "I wonder if I could get Dr. Swinnard and Pam to do that. Wear an apron and make coffee, you know..."
Dr. Swinnard: Hah. Probably not.
Chip Stanley: Yeah, i know.
Dr. Swinnard: Did you say anything about it?
Chip Stanley: No, there are some things you can't joke about.
Dr. Swinnard: Yeah, definitely.

Regional Slang for Swine Flu

2009-10-26T09:49:00.000-07:00

Generally dubbed "Swine Flu", the H1N1 virus is actually known by a slew of other names around the country.

A new credit card from Plabnox Cures

2009-10-22T18:44:00.000-07:00

Wars in Afghanistan and Iraq: $915 billion.

Casualties: 300,000- 600,000.

Gas per day to propel the U.S. military: 800,000 gallons.

Saying "we won": Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's PlabCard.

Plabnox Cures...Gender Deviance

2009-07-01T18:24:00.001-07:00

It’s every parent’s worst nightmare: the blissful introduction of the male newborn into the home goes horribly awry when he gravitates toward the pink toys rather than the blue, lets his wrists go lax when lounging, prances more frequently than prowls, and emits a high-pitched mew instead of a baritone mrow. Dealing with the scourge of feline gender deviance is never easy, but cat owners need no longer need fret: Plabnox’s Drs. Swinnard and Perofovich have devised a program than enhances gender-ambivalent cats' chances at acceptance through the adoption of normative gender identities.

Case Study in Feline Gender Deviance: Jasper H.

Published by Drs. Swinnard and Perofovich

The subject, Jasper H., is a three-year-old male domestic shorthaired who presents with gender identity disorder, accompanied by comorbid narcissistic personality traits. Jasper’s parents have observed him performing obsessive preening rituals and gazing longingly at himself in the mirror. Preferring traditionally feminine toys rendered in magentas and purples and festooned with spangles, glitter, and bright plumage, Jasper avoids more subdued and manly furry toys in mottled browns and grays.

The subject’s psyche remains embroiled in an unresolved oedipal conflict, manifested by an overidentification with and incestuous feelings for his mother, and aggressive behavior toward his father. Jasper is wont to revisit the primal scene by invading his parents’ bed in the middle of the night. He brings to the bed his fluorescent pink mousie, itself a heavily cathected fetish object, (he displays his repetition compulsion through daily assault, disembowelment, and symbolic rape of the mousie). After dropping the fetish object upon his mother’s head, Jasper will attempt to (re)merge with the maternal body by licking her face, squatting on her, or purring into one of her orifices. In order to break Jasper’s identification with his mother and encourage identification with the father to correct his gender deviance, Drs. Swinnard and Perofovich recommended the subject’s parents immediately assume unyielding gender roles along a traditional male-female binary. Through training with a toilet brush and a parasol, Dr. Swinnard has been working with Jasper’s mother on the arts of domestic subservience and feminine frivolity. Jasper’s father has been assisted by Dr. Perofovich in the areas of abusive and domineering speech, wielding the phallus, brandishing the kitchen knife, and ingesting mammoth quantities of red meat.

Drs. Swinnard and Perofovich, after living with Jasper’s family for four months in order to effect 24-hour psychological surveillance of the subject, reproduce below the most alarming examples of Jasper’s flamboyant behavior.

Symptom 1: Flaccid wrists. Additional footage of Jasper's wrists can be viewed here.

Symptom 2: Affinity for plumed and polychromatic objects.

Below: The fetish object (note the plushness of the object and the traditionally feminine color palette).
Below: The fetish object deposited at the site of the primal scene. Symptom 3: Shameless bodily display.

Symptom 4: Bedazzling in finery. Note that here Jasper has opted for a pirate costume; pirates were notorious for their gender-bending ways.
Below: When presented with a chasing opportunity, the subject fails to prowl, and rather, prances in a disconcerting manner.

MJ Party!

2009-06-26T18:09:00.000-07:00

The Plabnox doctors are feting Michael Jackson, one of their favorite performers of all time. They will be hosting two simultaneous parties (for your convenience) at different locations; the two galas will each feature a 13" black and white TV broadcasting what is happening at the other.

Event information

Venues: the White House (Washington, D.C., hosted by Dr. Swinnard); Moose Club lodge #1391 (Williamstown, Vermont; hosted by Dr. Perofovich)
Date: Monday, June 28 2009
Time: 4:00 a.m.

B.Y.O.S.B*

*Bring your own snarl bang (n.b. the snarl bang is the sentient chunk of hair frequently seen dangling over MJ's forehead)

Plabnox remembers Plabnox admiring MJ

2009-06-26T10:34:00.000-07:00

In 2003, Plabnox Cures made the following breakthrough webpage to dispel controversy surrounding Michael Jackson's physiognomy. On the afternoon following his untimely death, we remember our webpage, reproduced here:

Plabnox Cures Presents...

An MJ Breakthrough!

Have the Pet Detectives finally discovered MJ's secret?

During the recent MJ interview on ABC, Pet Detectives Piggy Peggy and Penelope Ravioli both discovered, independently, what is the secret behind MJ's facial metamorphosis. Some have claimed it's an obsession with perfection, others that it's a sick addiction. But the Pet Dets have stumbled upon the real explanation: MJ is trying to become Peter Pan

First, take a look at some supporting facts:

MJ's home is called "Neverland"
MJ has multiple larger than life depictions of Peter Pan on his ranch
MJ said, during the interview, "I'm Peter Pan in my heart."
MJ has a childlike spirit
MJ relates to children on an emotional level
MJ wants to remain in his childhood, just as Peter Pan lived in eternal childhood
During the interview, MJ uttered the phrase, "I want to live forever."

The Pet Detectives sifted through scores of MJ and Peter Pan pictures hoping to find similarities between the singer and the Disney character. They did not come up empty-handed. Below are the results of their search and subsequent scientific analyses of certain pairs of images.

1. The Nose

Much ado has been made of MJ's nose. Some tabloids claim it is falling off, and an alleged plastic surgery expert recently asserted that MJ's nose is "beyond the point of no turning back." However, the Pet Dets have noticed that MJ's nose is in fact becoming increasingly pixie-like, i.e., more like Peter Pan's.

2. The Eye Region

In the pictures that follow, pay special attention to MJ's eyebrows and eye shape. The brows are thick and angled like Peter Pan's, and the eyes are lifted and less oblong.

3. The Entire Cranium

Don't let the trees block your view of the forest--you should pay attention to MJ's entire face, not just certain features. In the images that follow, the Pet Dets present whole-face analyses. Be sure to note similarities between MJ's and Peter's hair styles, cheekbones, and facial structures.

The 2-in-1 Book Series

2009-06-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

Are you too busy to read every classic, fascinating, informative, and sensational book out there? Fear not. Drs. and Swinnard present a way to cut your reading time in half: the Plabnox 2-in-1 series. Each book in this series takes the first half of one book and the second half of another and merges them into one volume, allowing you, the reader, to kill two works with one tome. This month, Plabnox premieres the first eleven volumes in the 2-in-1 series. Summaries follow.

8. Emma/Powers of Horror

Synopsis: For Emma, raised to think well of herself, has such a high opinion of her own worth that it blinds her to the opinions of others. The story revolves around a comedy of errors: Emma befriends Harriet Smith, a young woman of unknown parentage, and attempts to remake her in her own image. Ignoring the gaping difference in their respective fortunes and stations in life, Emma convinces herself and her friend that Harriet should look as high as Emma herself might for a husband--and she zeroes in on an ambitious vicar as the perfect match. At the same time, she reads too much into an extensive treatise by Julia Kristeva on the subject of abjection and all it entails. Starting with Sigmund Freud and Jacques Lacan's theories, Kristeva examines horror, marginalization, castration, the phallic signifier, the "I/Not I" dichotomy, the Oedipal complex, exile, and other concepts appropriate to feminist criticism and queer theory.

9. S/Z: An Essay/The Secret (Fear Street Saga Trilogy, No. 2) Synopsis: Language is both a luxury and a discipline for Barthes. He pursues a subject through language until he meets an old gypsy who tells him his family will all die in a terrible fire. Terrified, he changes the family name to Fear, but he can't escape the curse.

10. The Da Vinci Code/Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity

Synopsis: Dan Brown masterfully concocts an intelligent and lucid thriller that marries the gusto of an international murder mystery with a collection of fascinating esoterica culled from 2,000 years of Western history. A murder in the silent after-hour halls of the Louvre museum reveals a sinister plot to question traditional and feminist sex/gender distinctions.

11. Little Women/Fetishism and Curiosity

Synopsis: The beautiful Meg, artistic tomboy Jo, doomed Beth, and selfish Amy: since the publication of Little Women in 1869, these four sisters have become America’s most beloved literary siblings. Louisa May Alcott’s rich and realistic portrait has inspired three movies and stirred the emotions of countless young girls. Set in New England during the Civil War, the novel follows the adventures of the March sisters as they struggle to pursue the pleasures, and displeasures, of narrative cinema.

Plabnox Doctors Seek Employment

2009-06-11T06:41:00.000-07:00

Attention HR managers! The esteemed Drs. and Prosperina Swinnard are seeking employment. Below, please find our résumés. Contact us at plablognox@gmail.com to begin the hiring process. N.B. only the first 15,000 responses will be answered.

Dr. Prosperina Swinnard
88 North 25th Street #4
Philadelphia, PA 19130
(008) 226-7122

Professional Experience

October 2004-June 2006: Spaulding High School (Barre, VT)
A/V Lady
-Acquired film titles for library and managed audio-visual equipment
-Proven leadership in expanding 30 minute lunch breaks into 90 minute affairs encompassing sexual intercourse in the cemetery of an adjacent town followed by creemees
-Consistency in arriving late to work by at least 25 minutes each day
-Ability to drive 65 mph to work in a 25 mph zone without being apprehended by police
-Skilled in taking multiple snack breaks throughout the work day

Summer 2005: The Gap (Burlington, VT)
Sales Associate
-Eagerly avoided customers at every opportunity
-Fluent in heaving sighs and producing disgruntled expressions
-Sought seated and sedentary work with energy and motivation
-Innovated the vanishing method of quitting by showing up for a shift with boyfriend parked outside with getaway car, acquiring last paycheck, and “going to the bank”—never to return again

July 2006-August 2007: Clarke Galleries (Stowe, VT)
Gallery Manager
-Skilled in keeping Firefox tabs in a work:leisure ratio of 1:20
-Gained experience in tactics of belligerence and insubordination
-Developed antagonistic relationships with gallery manager and all male clients
-Assumed new responsibilities begrudgingly and after lengthy negotiations which involved questioning and deconstructing hierarchies of power
-Constructed hand-crafted cardboard shipping boxes for multimillion dollar works of art out of a 15’ x 20’ x 8’ mound of scrap packing materials

September 2000-Present: Plabnox Cures (the world)
Co-Mastermind
-Authoring and designing a wide array of posts concerning social, cultural, political, and scholarly issues
-Virtuosic in self-congratulation

Other Interests and Skills:
Does not multi-task. Is not a team player. Borderline personality with comorbid hysteria, high level of anxiety, and antisocial and sociopathic traits. Types 72 wpm. Experience with Word, psychotic breaks, Excel, and illicit behavior.

References available upon request.

Behind the Virtual Curtain: a peek into the making of Plabnox

2009-06-03T13:38:00.001-07:00

Dr. Swinnard: You can catch an assortment of diseases by doing that-- ones that will make your limbs fall off.

Dr. Swinnard: Won't they just disintegrate?

Dr. Swinnard: Wow.

Dr. Swinnard: If you do it, you should tape an instructional video and post it to Plab and youtube.

You're turning into your grandmother.

Dr. Swinnard: I want to post this on Plab.

Dr. Swinnard: Def.

Should I post it now?

The Poor Man's Greatest Hits Album

2009-05-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

Plabnox Cures introduces "The Poor Man's Greatest Hits Album," featuring emotionally affordable versions of your favorite hits.

Track Listing:

8. Rhythm Province - A song that expresses the dream of uniting a province through music and dance.

9. Save the Best for Last – Piggy Peggy describes her cherished ritual of saving the red Skittles for last.

*The album is only available on vinyl.

Cineaste's Corner: "Raging Sharks"

2009-05-10T23:30:00.000-07:00

"Raging Sharks" (Nu Image, 2004) is one of the most widely acclaimed examples to have emerged from the shark film movement of the 2000s. The film was produced and directed by Danny Lerner and stars such silver screen luminaries as Corin Nemec, Vanessa Angel, Todd Jensen, and Simona Levin, who plays Simona in the film. The lead shark won the year's best actor Oscar, and the supporting sharks sang their own operatic arias for the film's soundtrack.

Plot Synopsis:
The film begins with two different species of aliens chatting inside of a foggy spaceship. A collision with another spaceship sends a cylindrical container flying with enough momentum to travel millions of miles, eventually landing on earth in the middle of an ocean. The cylinder contains glowing orange crystals, later described in the film as "cold fusion" that can "power the planet for the next 500 years". Sharks begin eating the crystals, evidently causing them to become murderous. They kill divers, attack boats, and wreak havoc on an underwater lab (called "Oceania" on the DVD case, and "Oshona" on the caption in the film). The sharks also appear to gain the ability to cause huge explosions upon contact with any surface.

Dr. Olsen, his wife Linda, Simona, and other crew members are in the Oceania/Oshona lab to conduct deep-sea research. Most of the film is set in the lab, although at one point, Dr. Olsen is inexplicably shown driving around a city the filmmakers attempt to pass off as Boston. The lab crew is in constant radio contact with the Roosevelt, a submarine; the film never reveals the connection between Oceania/Oshona and the Roosevelt. A ship called the Paradiso is shown frequently in the film, but it seems to have no relationship to the lab, the submarine, or any other plot elements of the film. The ships and lab frequently flood and explode, but the damage is always gone within two scenes.

Halfway through, the film becomes a political thriller when the character Ben Stiles, initially thought to be a safety inspector, turns out to be an undercover Black Ops agent. Without warning, he starts to shoot a machine gun all over the lab, chase various female crew members down corridors, and fight with Dr. Olsen. After being stabbed, pummeled, body-slammed, and shot, Stiles finally seems to be dead and Dr. and Mrs. Olsen, the only survivors of the sharks' and Black Ops agent's attacks, leave the lab. Dr. Olsen dons a scuba suit and swims all the way from the ocean floor to a submarine inches below the surface, pulling his wife with him. Although she does not have an oxygen tank, she survives the entire swim without breathing. Neither of the Olsens shows any sign of suffering from decompression. Just before boarding the submarine, the presumed dead Stiles shows up again, having also swum the entire depth of the ocean without oxygen, but when he swims up to the Olsens, he is killed by a shark. The Olsens board the submarine, and the film ends.

Style:
Lerner's opus features a number of special techniques that enhance the film. Among the most common are slow- and fast-motion sequences; frequent use of stock footage (most of the underwater scenes, establishing shots of various vessels, shark images, and explosions are stock footage); and repetition of various shots (we see some of the same explosions five times, and some of the characters' reaction shots are reused). In some cases, the filmmakers reuse the same shot, but flip it horizontally to make it seem as though it is new footage.

Film Highlights:

Above: here, Dr. Olsen runs down a corridor at an astonishing speed.

Above: the film relies almost entirely on under-lighting.

Above: fine quality special effects, such as this depiction of an underwater explosion, are common in "Raging Sharks"

Above: in order to make Dr. Olsen seem as though he can defy physics by falling upward, the filmmakers took footage of Dr. Olsen tumbling down and placed it in the film in reverse.

Above: the aliens' spaceship, crafted by the special effects department from old Polaroid cameras.

Above: opening scene of aliens in a foggy spaceship.

Above: during a shark attack, a ship's crew defies gravity.

Above: the man in red chest-high trousers becomes so agitated he is only able to utter unintelligible gibberish.

Above: the sharks in this film make lion noises that are audible underwater.

Above: an unidentified old man, who never appears in the film again, mourns the death of a diver.

Above: Linda Olsen and a colleague have been conducting research in the lab for 10 years; in this clip, they discuss advanced aspects of marine biology.

Above: analysis of the sharks. On close inspection, these "lab results" turn out to be the HTML code for the Google homepage (visit Google and select "view source" from your browser's menu and the same text as above will appear).

Above: during a life-or-death moment, the submarine captain takes a coffee break.

Above: the submarine's high-tech computer alert.

Above: as Dr. Olsen attempts to help Simona, she inexplicably clings onto a bar and flaps her right hand (possibly an allusion to Ted Danson's classic hand flap in "when the BOUGH BReaKS")

Above: clip and still of one of numerous examples of abstract imagery placed in the film.

Above: a typical montage: a shark attacks a boat, causing an explosion (stock footage)

Above: the film's penultimate scene; after a harrowing swim from the ocean floor to inches below the surface, Dr. and Mrs. Olsen were fortunate to find clean clothes in their sizes on the submarine they boarded. Dr. Olsen also had a chance to wax his chest and shave.

Above: Stiles is revealed not to be an accident inspector but in fact a murderous undercover Black Ops agent; here, he jumps to the floor in slow-motion with an accompanying "whoosh" noise.

Above: Stiles utters one of the film's most memorable and oft-quoted lines: "Yeah, you better run...'cause I'm comin' lookin'!"

Above: montage of Stiles stills; notice his demonstration of the expressive male eyebrow.

Above: the film's final scene, made with stock footage of a submarine.

PC45°

2009-05-07T12:57:00.001-07:00

PC45°, the newborn news show from Plabnox Cures Programming, will compete directly with Anderson Cooper’s CNN program AC360° during the same prime slot. Whereas Anderson Cooper examines issues on his show while spinning on his spinal axis and simultaneously orbiting the examined subject, in PC45°, Anderson Swinnard will analyze newsworthy items from only forty-five of the possible three hundred and sixty degrees by shifting back and forth at half of a right angle, while looking at only 12.5% of the news item.

Plabnox Cures Programming Presents...Containers

2009-05-04T12:51:00.000-07:00

Plabnox Cures Programming is adding a new cooking show to its television line-up. “Containers,” starring Executive Chef Prosperina Swinnard, features the transferring of tasty meals, snacks, and beverages from one container to another. In a recent interview, Chef Swinnard revealed, “During the premiere episode, we'll be moving crème anglaise from a saucepan to a 12 oz. Tupperware container, and then we'll relocate guacamole to a bowl from a mortar and pestle.”

The show’s other creator remarked, “It’s the reversal of the standard cooking show which tells you how to prepare the dishes but assumes you already know how to use the necessary containers; we tell you how to contain everything but assume you already know how to prepare the dishes.”

Upcoming episodes will address transporting mango-lime-mint sorbet from the ice cream maker to a freezer container, and conveying beef stew to bowls from the kettle. “Containers” will debut Tuesday at 9PM on the Plabnox Cures Network.

Obama’s Order: Panic

2009-05-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

Since the advent of hog flu (the cutest flu), Obama has calmly instructed his subjects, “Now is not the time to panic.” However, the order came today when Obama ascended the podium at a press conference to address the single hog flu-related death in the U.S. and immediately became wan, covered in perspiration, and nauseous. Slumped over the microphone, he commenced heavy breathing before fleeing the briefing room in order to hyperventilate into a paper bag, sip Coca-Cola Classic, and nibble saltines.

As a result of this development, Plabnox Cures has raised its alert level to 47, which is a creamy shade of ecru.

The Jasper Lectures: Recession Commentary

2009-04-17T06:36:00.000-07:00

Jasper, preeminent cat intellectual and recluse, has finally made a statement on the recession. He orated yesterday from his Philadelphia home to the small audience of Drs. Swinnard and Perofovich, and their camera crew. Plabnox is proud to present the first in a tripartite series titled, “The Jasper Lectures.” Forthcoming broadcasts will cover foreign policy and the healthcare and environmental crises.

Plabnox's Phallocentric Advice Column

2009-04-16T11:22:00.000-07:00

You seem very touchy lately. Is it that time of the month again? I had a feeling when I woke up this morning that today was going to be your day.

Plabnox's Patriarchal Advice Column

2009-04-15T11:07:00.000-07:00

I don't think you'll ever be safe from rage.

Plabnox Presents: The Poor Man's Silver Screen Collection

2009-04-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

With the recession it seems like there is a bit less of everything to go around. That’s why Plabnox is releasing The Poor Man’s Silver Screen Collection, an emotionally affordable alternative to popular movies.

“When we envisioned the Poor Man’s DVD line,” explained Dr. Perofovich, “we were thinking about the working-class viewer on a shoestring budget—the film patron who can offer only a minimal intellectual investment,” finished Dr. Swinnard.

Below is a preview of the collection.

Sunset Boulevard

Norma Desmond, portrayed by Prosperina Swinnard, is an aging public access star who faces the neglect of her local TV station. Driven to madness, she ends up slashing the tires of the narrator, who is also her lover (Peter Perofovich).

Jaws

Bathers beware! A 3 foot-long sturgeon harasses swimmers in Cape Cod waters by mutilating beach balls and chewing through trawling nets. The film climaxes with a 7 minute fishing expedition in pursuit of the bony fish.

The Big Nap

Set in Barre, VT, The Big Nap contains aspects of noirish suspense and a teaspoon of sultry glamour. The aging patriarch of a successful family-owned maple syrup business hires a hard-boiled private detective (Penelope Ravioli) to investigate a recent bribe. Ravioli fans will love his cynical, jaded incarnation of the noir hero.

Below: Ravioli falls in love with the patriarch’s daughter and becomes embroiled in the sordid business of sap collecting and underground maple candy-related porn.

Psycho

Norman Bates (Peter Perofovich) runs a motel with his invalid mother (Sister Dosky). Late one evening, as the two quarrel over room rates, Marion Crane (Prosperina Swinnard), a buxom blonde with a history of unpaid parking tickets, arrives and requests a room. Norman shows her to her quarters. Almost immediately, she complains that there is no hot water. Norman investigates the shower, but can’t seem to discover the cause. Will Norman be able to repair the water-heating problem? Will Marion take a shower? You’ll have to buy the DVD to find out.

Below: Prosperina Swinnard receives direction for the pivotal shower scene, wherein she discovers there is no hot water.

Rear Window

James Perofovich is a Sears portrait photographer recovering from a paper cut in his New York studio apartment. With a lot of time on his hands, the incapacitated Perofovich begins to watch the activity in his neighbors’ apartments across the alley. Before long, he witnesses one neighbor steal another’s morning paper. He sends his girlfriend over to investigate in this voyeuristic thriller.

Below: James Perofovich milks his paper cut injury in order to elicit sympathy from the viewer and his girlfriend.

Traffic cops bungle their attempt to catch JM, a compulsive jaywalker, in a compelling representation of insanity (dir. Swinnard Lang).

Blue Velour

Sister Lynch directs this genre-bending bildungsroman that includes Frank, an Ibuprofen-abusing maniac; Dorothy Vallens, a femme fatale from Jersey; and Jeffrey Beaumont, a nondescript young male protagonist from suburbia. Things get dark when our protagonist discovers an eerie collection of nail clippings in the field on the outskirts of his town.

The Scarlet Empress

Marlene Swinnard becomes the empress of her local school board after her predecessor dies in the throes of childbirth. Josef von Dosky’s fetishistic cinematography captures Svengali Swinnard’s seductive manipulations of the other dimwitted board members in an effort to secure her municipal power.

Citizen Kane

In only 18 months, Kane skyrockets from sales associate to assistant manager at a Shaw’s supermarket in Brooklyn, but success comes with a price and Kane succumbs to a raging case of megalomania.

Gilda

A karaoke singer, a dive bar, well drinks, and Rita Swinnard. Need we say more?

Below: Rita Swinnard is unforgettable as Gilda.

Plabnox Cures Presents... A New Advice Column

2009-04-08T13:19:00.000-07:00

Might not be a good idea to do school work on company time.

Plabnox EpiCures

2009-03-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

Plabnox Cures recently held a business dinner at E.R.A., an Ethiopian restaurant and bar in Philadelphia’s Fairmount neighborhood. Attendees included Dr. Prosperina Swinnard, co-CEO; and Harriett Griswold, personal maid.

Below: An aerial view of E.R.A.

After announcing to the bartender-waiter-host, “We’re here for Ethiopian food,” the Plabnox Cures delegation took seats at the bar (the sole seating option in the otherwise empty establishment) and admired the interior architecture of E.R.A., which provides one of the finest extant examples of the Moose Club aesthetic. The walls are paneled entirely in a dark, polished wood, upon which mysterious plastic numbers have been affixed: 2, 17, and so on; an unadorned rectangular bar equipped with a PA system occupies eighty percent of the restaurant floor; various white wires dangle from the ceiling and a few wires stapled to the walls accentuate the vertical wood panels.

The bartender took drink requests after the doctors stirred up the staff with an all-vegetables order for three. E.R.A. has a pay-as-you-go policy, so when Dr. Perofovich and Harriett ordered a cocktail and a beer, they were forced to surrender payment immediately. Dr. Swinnard requested a water, which arrived in a pint glass*.

While waiting for the food to arrive, the handsome TouchTunes jukebox caught the eyes of the doctors. They moseyed over to examine the song selections, and as they were debating whether to make a musical investment, the proprietor entered and plugged his iPod into the speaker system. The playlist, a combination of funk and mountain music, set the tone for his personal anecdote concerning an apparently recently attended AA meeting. As the flesh on his face shone and his gray hair bristled with ire, the proprietor growled at the bartender, “I just came from AA, and there was a real asshole there that I wanted to punch.” Soon afterwards, the proprietor and the bartender settled in to watch a baseball game on the TV located at the opposite end of the room, approximately 75 feet away from the doctors and Harriett, where they remained until and as the Plabnox patrons left.

*During the meal, Harriett ordered a water, which came in a highball glass, and later, when Dr. Perofovich ordered a water, it appeared in a cordial glass.

Above: The signature high-gloss varnish of the Moose Club design movement.

Above: It was standing room only at the bar.

Above: Diners at E.R.A. will encounter a whimsical take on portion sizing.

Above: A state-of-the-art combination bar and PA system is the crown jewel of E.R.A.

The Doctors’ Last Meals

2009-03-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

The doctors recently attended a soirée at which several parlor games were played. One game involved asking participants, “If you could plan your last meal, of what would it consist?” We have reproduced the doctors' replies below.

Dr. Swinnard’s Menu

Starters
Selosse Champagne
Ethiopian sambusa
Foie gras
Oysters on the half shell
Harriett’s Nachos

Entrée
Loire Muscadet
Brown rice sushi and sashimi
Jean-Paul Brun Beaujolais
Tenderloin au poivre, medium rare
Brie mashed potatoes

Cheese course
Madeira
Assortment of fine French fromage, including triple crème brie and camembert
Fresh Vermont fruit – Cortland apples, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries
Aioli

Dessert
Late harvest Riesling
Karen’s chocolate cherry cake
Pear tarte tatin
Ginger cheesecake
Pumpkin roll
Red Velvet cake
Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting
French dark chocolate truffles
Rum cake
Homemade chocolate caramel gelato
Homemade rum raisin ice cream
Ben & Jerry’s chocolate mint cookie ice cream
Bread pudding
Sticky bun
Assortment of danishes
Strawberry Napoleon
Key lime pie
Coconut cream pie
Raspberry pie
Apple pie
Apple crisp
Blueberry buckle
Cranberry plum pudding with hard sauce
Cherry almond clafouti
Trifle
Yellow cake with chocolate frosting
Chocolate glazed doughnut
Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut
Molasses crinkle cookies
Gingerbread
Reverse chocolate chip cookies
Maple cremee in the Dairy Crème’s “Dish of Dirt”
Harriet’s dark chocolate pecan pie
Apple galette
Raspberry Linzer tart
Orange-almond lace cookies
Shortbread
Raspberry scones

Reviews of Plabnox

2009-03-03T13:28:00.000-08:00

The reviews are in! Here is what top critics are saying about Plabnox Cures:

"Whereas Plab started out reviewing TV shows, films, and literature, it no longer refers to anything but itself."
-Harriett Griswold, independent brewer

"Three weeks ago, we gave Plabnox Cures a prognosis that within 10 years, it would become completely self-referential. However, self-references immediately took on an aggressive form and have spread much more rapidly than we predicted."
-Uttered in unison by Drs. and Swinnard, éminences grises

"; excess of June’s body p. 15"
-Piggy Peggy, film critic

Ask the Doctors

2009-02-27T13:22:00.000-08:00

Plabnox Cures introduces its latest feature, "Ask the Doctors", in which Drs. Perofovich and Swinnard respond to viewers' queries.

Dear Dr. Swinnard,
I would like to read Henry and June from the unexpurgated diaries of Anais Nin, but I would like to know more about the content of the diary.
Thanks,
Literate Person.

Dear Literate Person,
The back cover of Henry and June says that the text explores the relationships of Nin with Henry and June Miller. Nin is enamored with June for the first fifth of the book, and after that she likely initiates a sexual relationship with Henry. I would speculate that the last 200 pages of this volume, and the three subsequent volumes, continue the repetitious, nonlinear, and fragmented diary form.
Dr. Swinnard

Dear Dr. Perofovich,
I'm thinking about reading Conduct Unbecoming by Randy Shilts, but would like to hear your review before proceeding with this lengthy tome.
Sincerely,
Reader

Dear Reader,
The first 13 pages of the book contain the start of a detailed account of gays in the military throughout U.S. history. Later in the book, the author probably discusses ROTC on school campuses. I'm guessing he also includes quotes from interviews he conducted during his research.
Dr. Perofovich

Plabnox, in a brrrrp move, breaks with the avant-garde

2009-02-26T12:31:00.000-08:00

Effective immediately, Plabnox doctors Prosperina Swinnard and Peter Perofovich are abandoning all use of the term "avant-garde".

The avant-garde has become a genre in its own right; it has been categorized and no longer possesses its original meaning, which denoted a break from establishment or the evasion of categroization. The adjective avant-garde has become a vague, catch-all term for anything that is deemed different by its utterer (it no longer necessarily refers to something new, as it should based on its literal translation).

The doctors announce a new term to denote their art: brrrp. The word has no etymological roots in human language. Its exact definition and spelling are subject to change at the whim of the doctors. Therefore, brrpp will evade genre, specific meaning, and the fate of the term avant-garde.

Plabnox Cat Show Feature Film

2009-02-01T08:25:00.000-08:00

Please enjoy the show! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6RG0nZwkl8

Plabnox Valentine's Day Cards

2009-01-30T13:32:00.000-08:00

Note: click on photos to see printer-friendly enlargements.

Bobby Gates

2009-01-29T04:07:00.000-08:00

Above: Defense Secretary Bobby Gates, addressing the Senate Armed Services Committee on relations with Iran, strikes a coquettish pose in an avant-garde half-suit jacket "by" Plabnox Fabric. Bobby chose the piece for its stark splitting of light and dark, which reflects his view of Iran.

An Inaugural Tale

2009-01-21T08:27:00.000-08:00

Only a day after the inauguration, Plabnox Cures is on the scene, providing the latest coverage. The inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama cost $170 million, most of which went to light apps. The remaining funds paid for various Christian prayers, homilies, and sermons, which were delivered unto the people. John Williams composed a piece for the occasion. Rumors had drifted about that he would have Yo-Yo Ma and the other musicians perform his renowned Jaws theme, but at the last minute, he photocopied some Copland compositions which he passed around to the performers. Obama’s speech, supported only by citations from the Scriptures (a bibliography distributed beforehand listed only one source, the Bible), mesmerized the masses. One point four million people attended, 12,000 of whom were cats.

In preparation for the inauguration, Obama held a cat-studded event in D.C. on Sunday: notable feline celebrities included Sir Smokey, Nobleman Ned, Jasper the Jester, Maid Maui and Monsieur Meatball. The first openly gay cat, Tigger, spoke at the festivities, but his speech was cut from HBO's broadcast of the event.

At gloaming on January 20, Obama was transported to twelve balls in a glittering carriage. However, the first and last balls went unreported by most news agencies as Obama’s officials banned mention of them in all publications, except those of Plabnox Cures. The new president kicked the night off at the Female Issues and Drag Ball.

Before the ball began, Obama realized, as he swept the cinders of the fireplace in his hotel room, he had nothing to wear. His assistant got in contact with Magic Wand Agency, and a fairy lawmother arrived at the hotel within the hour. Her name was Billary, and her pantsuits were eternally wrinkle-free. She strode into Obama’s room and flung a garment bag on the bed.

“Gwan— open it, my child,” she ordered. Obama unzipped the sack, and withdrew the most beautiful gown he had ever seen. It sparkled like a newly ejected placenta.

“What is it made from?” he asked.

“It was spun over ten years by hundreds of homosexuals, from the flesh of dead pregnant women, and then embellished with the tears of pregnant teenagers.”

Obama pressed the folds to his face, and hastened to dress. When he arrived at the ball, he spoke endlessly to the guests in impressionistic, quasi-biblical rhetoric, about the end of racism and the beauty of his gown. However, the female and LGBT crowd soon grew weary of his backward-looking tales and tore his gown to shreds. Fleeing the ball, he met Billary at the local pub.

“What happened to your gown?” she rasped.

“I decided I don’t like women or gay people, so I ripped it off” Obama lied. Yet, he had eleven more balls to attend, and the next ten were the Balls of the Plebs, for which he now had nothing to wear.

“What will I do, fairy lawmother?” he cried.

Billary motioned to the bartender, who brought out a great gift box with a fabric bow. Obama feverishly opened it. Inside lay a papyrus-colored gown that rustled like the pages of a newly printed Bible. Obama clutched at the material, and asked, “What is it made from?”

“From the parts of dead trees and the words of dead men,” she exhaled.

Obama immediately donned the gown and rushed off to the ten Balls of the Plebs, where he did not need to speak because he was received like a savior. When the clock struck eleven, however, Billary sidled over to him and said, “Your gown needs to be returned to the local evangelical church in five minutes. Hand it over.” Obama reluctantly surrendered the dress. Naked, he realized he had nothing to wear to the last fête, the War Criminals Ball.

“What will I wear?”

“Don’t worry,” Billary hacked, “I have the perfect gown.” She led Obama out to the parking lot, where she retrieved a soiled paper bag from a loitering ho-bo. She thrust it at the president, who removed and immediately put on a gown of unspeakable radiance. The lustrous cloth melted in swirls of gold, red, and black as Obama pirouetted around the parking lot .

“This is the most beautiful gown of all!” he shrieked. “What is it made from?”

“It was woven from the limbs of Iraqi civilians, the flayed skin of Palestinians, the blood of slaughtered Nigerians, and the oil of Chevron. And it is studded with tiny chips from mortar shells.”

Obama arrived at the War Criminals Ball* not a moment too soon. He was greeted by Bush and Cheney, who had hesitated to attend until secret wiretapping confirmed that the gala was genuine, and not merely a decoy to secure their arrest for war crimes, including the genocide of one million Iraqi civilians under the false pretenses of an illegally-waged war. The former president and vice president wore the same gown as Obama, but everyone agreed that Obama’s was the most spellbinding as it had the ring of truth.

*Drs. Perofovich and Swinnard gained access to the ball by disguising themselves as Idi Amin and Adolf Hitler, both of whom were on the guest list.

Plabnox Cures General Store Opens Doors to Business!

2009-01-08T18:01:00.000-08:00

BARRE, Vermont – Yesterday heralded the eagerly-awaited grand opening of the Plabnox Cures General Store. On hand to snip the symbolic ribbon were celebrities X, Y and Z. PCGS is a one-stop-shop for objets d’art, curios, rarities, and valuable antiquities. A fine selection in a palatial space lends a distinguished air to the classically rustic variety store. Come on in, and take a look around... http://www.geocities.com/plabnoxgs/PcgsStorefrontFINAL.swf

Show Cats

2009-01-05T17:38:00.000-08:00

BURLINGTON, VT – Thousands of cat aficionados, and a few dabblers, flocked to the remote socialist nation of Vermont last weekend for the annual Cat Fanciers’ Association Cat Show. The good doctors Perofovich and Swinnard descended upon the event as VIP guests, and their retinue of cat paparazzi captured just a few stolen moments with the competitors.

Below: A mixture of cat cages and pine-based decor imparts a festive ambience.

Below: This Norma Desmond figure retired to her boudoir immediately after she dazzled spectators in the longhair championship.

Below: A French Canadian Moustache combs the throat hair of a white Poufball.

Below: The Moustache, assisted by a woman adorned with green satin and spectacles suspended from a rhinestone chain, prunes and festoons the touchhole region of the Pouf with white powder.

Below: The Pouf has snow-white eye makeup applied to his orbs.

Although the below recluse hides her face from crazed fans, her likeness haunts onlookers from a tempera portrait looming abover her chamber.Below: Colin Powell meets his namesake. Both creatures are famous for their Republican party membership and bipartisan leadership abilities.

The clips below were filmed during the "Parade of Breeds" event, hosted by the cat maven in hunter green, who occupies the central space of most of the frames. NB, Please increase your volume liberally in order to hear the sound fully.

Below: A downy dame is whisked away to her next engagement by two personal assistants.

Below: Cats on deck at the parade of breeds are watched by the stage manager, a vested woman, in the lower right-hand portion of the frame.

Below: Another busy feline on the move.

Plabnox Cafepress Store Grand Opening

2009-01-02T17:54:00.000-08:00

Wear your favorite Plabnox images here-- no markups!

http://www.cafepress.com/plabnoxcures

Plabnox Holiday Wallpapers

2008-12-28T10:34:00.000-08:00

he Plabnox doctors are pleased to introduce their new line of holiday-themed computer desktop wallpapers.

DETAILS ARE NOT VISIBLE IN THE SMALL PICTURES BELOW. CLICK ON THEM TO VIEW THE FULL SIZE VERSIONS & SET ONE AS YOUR WALLPAPER.

Plabnox Presents: Exquisite Corpse Journalism

2008-12-27T06:26:00.000-08:00

This holiday season, retailers have noticed a dramatic upturn in customers who do their “Christmas shopping” after the actual holiday. Analysts suggest this type of customer is bad for business, as he or she strikes during the lunch hour in an attempt to distract the salesperson from his or her meal. While creating a distraction by feigning interest in merchandise, the repast customer has a sidekick steal the food vittles. As soon as the transaction is closed, consumers rush home to distribute their purchases. For some, to be generous in today’s economy means pushing Christmas back one or even two full days. Of course, the nation’s children would rather be employed than acquire food via the repast customer’s method. However, with a failing economy, they may not have a choice. More and more children have been enlisting in ragtag protest groups to stop what they consider an unfair practice. Parents scarcely seem to care. Many parents further infuriate their children by sending them into stores to steal employee’s lunches on their behalf.

Plabnox Newswire: Starving Artists sign with Blackwater, KBR

2008-12-19T09:07:00.000-08:00

Although many artists have struggled with insolvency for hundreds of years, the U.S. government has declined to endorse a proposed "Artists' Bailout Bill." An increasing scarcity of available jobs in the arts has led some bohemians to seek employment with private defense contractors, such as KBR and Blackwater, who have begun hiring these "mercenary artists." Atom Nugg, private defense pianist, received offers from both Blackwater and KBR but ultimately signed with Blackwater because it offers the superior performance venues of sandstorms and besieged villages. Nugg earns his pay (nearly 200K per annum) by launching daily classical attacks on perceived terrorist threats from a grand piano mounted atop a Hummer. Blackwater and KBR are in the midst of recruiting orchestral armies, which will comprise symphonies of musicians perched on Hummers and tanks that will transport them across battlefields. Both firms currently have openings for the following positions: Lieutenant singer-songwriter, Corporal novelist, General screenwriter, Captain Bassoonist, Sergeant painter, and Private opera singer.

Below: Atom Nugg fires a minuet just outside Baghdad.

The Plabnox Debtors' Prison and Resort

2008-12-08T09:00:00.000-08:00

The stock market is crashing, a recession has just been declared, there's the war, and U.S. citizens are all feeling the pinch of inflation, unemployment, and mountains of bills. Just when everybody thought there was nowhere to turn, Plabnox is announcing the opening of its exciting new Plabnox Debtors' Prison and Resort.

Welcome to the Plabnox Cures Debtors' Prison and Resort, a revision of
the classic institution. Whereas the debtors' prisons of yore
incorporated serfdom or indentured servitude if the family could not
pay off the balance due of the debtor, Plabnox's prison offers a
delightful package of new options designed to personalize each
debtor's stay: 1) The debtor may opt to transfer a loved one to a
black site in lieu of payment; 2) The debtor may conscript a coworker
with a private defense contractor to satisfy debt.

Drs. and Swinnard have moved an historic old-time jail to a
secluded tropical location. When you contact Plabnox to describe your
financial woes, the team of doctors will fly to your home, blindfold
you, and whisk you away to the prison resort.

Once you arrive at the resort, the precise location of which will
remain undisclosed to everybody except the doctors, you will enjoy:
-endless hours of leisure time in your tiny, unlit, and unheated stone cell
-liberation from career and family obligations
-no more bills to amass
-no phone reception
-isolation from the IRS, debt collectors, and federal law enforcement agencies
-panoramic beach views from the jail's second floor observation vestibule
-meals of exotic fish, plankton, and snails caught daily by the jail's
sea-bed scraping machine.

Concept artist sought to explode the original
penitentiary model to accommodate the modern debtor on-the-go with the
addition of several yoga studios per floor—each boasts a 20 foot
ceiling and reinforced walls to ensure acoustic nirvana, a vast
library of feminist and avant-garde literature set in a
mahogany-paneled chamber equipped with burnished leather wingback
chairs, and two movie theaters (one arthouse and one revival) with
full bars and a patisserie.

"Debtors can make incremental payments by participating in the Plabnox
system—it's basically a new social contract," remarks Prosperina
Swinnard, the helmsbeing of the project, who, at the moment, rests
supine in a recumbent chair behind a furry desk. "Each yoga
class appearance, each feminist tome read, each film screening
attended knocks a chunk off your debt. It's a remarkable prison,
really." Life sounds positively heavenly at the Plabnox Debtors'
Prison and Resort.

But wait, there's a catch. Every eventide, when the clock tower—set
upon the seventh hole on the golf course—tolls seven and the raven
singeth his lonely dirge, the prison holds a required wine and/or
cheese tasting. Punishment for not attending the tasting entails a
vigorous deep tissue or hot stone massage—depending on the caprice of
the prison warden and the severity of the infraction. E.g., Truancy
from a European wine tasting paired with American cheeses would
warrant a 15 minute hot stone spa treatment, but absence from a German
sparkling wine tasting without cheese may incur a 60 minute full body,
deep tissue kneading.

If you're not yet convinced, take a moment to view the promotional
video below (with sound) and the artistic renderings above & below by the prison
resort's brain, Dr. Swinnard.

Plabnox Christian Post: Cat Christmas Carols

2008-12-03T17:18:00.000-08:00

Plabnox Cures blushes to present the world's first release of Christmas carol music videos performed by gentile cats. Below is a sample of just one of the 826 music videos you will be able to enjoy each holiday season with the purchase of the limited special edition DVD box set, on sale for 149 tithes at plablognox.blogspot.com. The holy trinity of three bonus discs includes production notes, outtakes, and interviews with some of the feline starlets. It's a great stocking stuffer!

Below: "O Holy Night" performed by Jas Pere, directed by Ridley Scott.

A Plabnox Christmas: Noam Chomsky's Wishlist

2008-11-25T08:36:00.001-08:00

No one loves to consume more than Noam Chomsky. This year, Noam has given Plabnox Cures a sneak preview of his wishlist, which he will distribute to family and friends at Thanksgiving dinner.

1. A new Lexus

2. A trip to the south of France

3. Season tickets to the Metropolitan Opera

4. A pound of truffles

5. A supine trip up Mount Everest on the backs of Sherpas

6. A manatee

7. A castle

8. An iPhone

9. A speedboat

10. A shopping spree at Hermès

11. A diamond tiara

12. Iraq (first choice) or Pakistan (second choice)

Below: Noam Chomsky plans to go hog-wild at his local shopping mall on Black Friday.

Christmas Gift Ideas for your Cat

2008-11-23T18:14:00.000-08:00

Due to the plummeting economy, many cost-conscious shoppers are scaling back their holiday purchases this year. To help our readers stay within their cat budgets, we suggest two inexpensive gifts that are popular with felines this season.

1. Tetris (below): Tetris is experiencing a resurgence within the cat demographic. Even though your furred friend hasn't asked for it by name, Tetris is surely on his or her holiday wishlist.

2. Noam Chomsky paraphernalia (below): It's no secret that cats love Noam, and now they can experience him intimately over and over again with the purchase of his dvd series, which includes lectures delivered abroad, and at Harvard and MIT.

Plabnox Cures’ Twelve-Step Programs Series Presents…Artificial Sweeteners Anonymous

2008-11-19T08:40:00.000-08:00

Dr. Peter Perofovich, in a recent conversation with his colleague, Dr. Prosperina Swinnard, revealed that he has been struggling to kick the Splenda habit. Swinnard, a recent disciple of Artificial Sweeteners Anonymous, had phoned Perofovich in order to complete step nine of the program and apologize for the effect her Splenda intake had had on their friendship and professional relationship. Dr. Perofovich was impressed by Swinnard’s dietary journey and decided to give the program a whirl. The twelve steps have been printed below, with permission from Plabnox Cures, Inc.

1.We admitted we were powerless over Splenda—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a natural, unrefined sugar greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our menus over to the care of Plabnox Cures as we understand It.

4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of our artificially sweetened ingestion.

5. Admitted to Plabnox Cures, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have Plabnox Cures remove all these defects on our grocery lists.

7. Humbly asked Plabnox to remove our dietary shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed in our abuse of Splenda, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would fatten them or others.

10. Continued to take inventory of our vittles and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through raw sugar and organic honey to improve our conscious contact with Plabnox Cures as we understand It, praying only for knowledge of Its Will for our snacks and the power to compose those snacks.

12. Having had a comestible awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Splenda users, and to practice these restrictions in all our repasts.

Plabnox Cures Votes Yes on Proposition 826

2008-11-18T07:22:00.000-08:00

Above: The current patchwork of American property rights. The schism in the center represents the inclusion of white men in the definition of property holders.

SOUTH DAKOTA – Plabnox Cures endorses Proposition 826, the South Dakota ballot initiative to deny property rights to white males. The initiative, which prohibits white males from holding, transferring, inheriting, or exchanging property, has been backed by various minority groups, and Plabnox Cures doctors have recently announced their intent to make a donation to the initiative, to the tune of 5 million wildcat notes. At Plabnox’s South Dakota headquarters, we met with the trio of medical specialists to find out why Prop. 826 resonates with them.

“Just because I have friends who are white males doesn’t mean I have to support them holding property,” states Dr. Peter Perofovich as he reclines on his examining table. “I mean, women, African-Americans, Latinos, and Asian-Americans have a hallowed tradition of property ownership. Each one of those groups contributes something valuable to property ownership. Ergo, white males should not have property rights.”

We caught Dr. Prosperina Swinnard filling bottles of narcotics, and discovered her apathy on the issue. “I’m not a white male and I don’t know any white males, so it’s not really my battle. I could go either way on the issue, really—if some states want to give white males property rights but slap a different name on those rights, that would be fine with me. It would remind white men of their fundamental difference from the rest of us.” She pauses to pocket a few pills. “And even though some people are calling property ownership a discriminatory and exclusionary institution, I will continue to own property even if Prop. 826 passes. My parents proudly continued to send me to a segregated school despite the criticism of their activist friends, and my great-great-grandparents refused to support the abolitionists during the Civil War because they weren’t slaves. There’s a respected custom of inaction in my family, and I’m not about to abandon that heritage.”

Dr. Sister Dosky, a notorious recluse with strong opinions, tried to avoid an interview, but she relented when we agreed to visit her private room out back. She spoke to us between cigars, “Jesus always said, ‘Love the sinner but hate the sin.’ It’s well-known that white men have a history of abusing property rights. This isn’t the best example, but take Christopher Columbus. Don’t get me wrong—he was a great man, a man of real integrity. But he just didn’t know how to keep his lawn cut. He was always letting it grow wild. His land ownership was a blight on land ownership for all.” Dr. Dosky adjusts her morphine drip, “ Allowing white males to hold property threatens the moral fabric of American society. If they really want to have property rights, they can always get sex reassignment surgery.”

It is unclear what will happen to the small pockets of property currently owned by white males, should Proposition 826 pass. Some legal scholars predict that it will transfer to their minority children, parents, or spouses. Others prognosticate that the property will revert to the state, to be divvied up among various social service programs.

Columbia’s Butler Library Lays Siege to Provost’s Office

2008-11-11T18:45:00.000-08:00

Above: Butler Library lawn at Columbia University. A peaceful morning gave birth to a bloodbath when librarians opened fire shortly after their lunch hour.

NEW YORK, N. Y. – Columbia librarians, after stalled budgetary negotiations, launched an artillery attack on the Provost’s Office Friday afternoon. Preceding the incursion, the librarians had issued reports to the university newspaper that the Provost was hoarding donations of massive proportion. Subject specialists at Butler rallied to the cause, and all agreed that military action against the Financial Office could not wait for approval from Facilities and Planning. Meanwhile, work study students at the Agricultural Library have been recruited in the surge against the Visual and Performing Arts professors. According to one library source, future talks with the Visual and Performing Arts professors will not take place without preconditions.

Below: Librarians reload ammo using an operating manual from Columbia's course reserves.